


Am I Getting Too Close?

by Faefauna



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, Bullying, College AU, Coming out to to friends, Depression, Drunk sexual acts, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of blood, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Rejection, Roommates, Slight Alcoholism, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, blowjob, lots of regret, mention of puke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faefauna/pseuds/Faefauna
Summary: Changyoon walked around town aimlessly, not knowing where he was going, as long as it wasn’t home. At home, he had responsibilities, he had to act normal, he had to stay focused.These days, staying focused was hard.
Relationships: Kim Hyojin/Lee Seungjun | J-Us, Lee Changyoon | E-Tion/Park Minkyun | MK
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. Keeping Distance

**Author's Note:**

> This it losely based on my own experiences, this isn't meant to romanticize any of the issues. 
> 
> Please read the tags and make sure you are alright with what will be described. If so, I hope you enjoy this!!

Everyday is a pain, a gamble. Every truck that passes, every train rumbling by is an invitation. An invitation, beckoning me to end it all. _Should I? Why Shouldn’t I?_

Changyoon walked around town aimlessly, not knowing where he was going, as long as it wasn’t home. At home, he had responsibilities, he had to act normal, he had to stay focused. These days, staying focused was hard. It always played on his mind, how he had the power to just end it all. Just one action and everything would be finished, taken care of. But he didn’t have the courage, even that he couldn’t do. 

He always heard his brain egg him on. Whenever he picked up a knife, _just one inch._ On the top floor looking out a window, _just one step._ Yet, when the opportunity arose, he didn’t go through with it. He was scared, he thought of people around him, how it might hurt them. He wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth ruining other people, it felt selfish. 

So he kept on going, but lately it got hard. The voices got louder and more convincing, making Changyoon more and more tired having to fight everyday. He wanted to drown them out. He wandered into a 7-11, noticed a worker glaring at him and looked at the clock, they were almost closing. Changyoon strolled towards the soju isle, grabbing two of the nearest bottles that seemed sweet and strong. He paid and walked out, finding a bench. 

The best way to drown out the thoughts, was to forget them completely.

_I should stop soon, one isn’t even enough anymore._

Changyoon sighed, putting the first bottle to his lips, taking a swig until it burned in his throat. He found himself in this situation often, at least whenever he got the chance. He didn't have an addictive personality, so he wasn't reliant just yet, he didn't want to let it get to that point. Sometimes, just sometimes, he didn't want to fight

Half an hour had passed, he sat back and looked at the sky cradling his, now half empty, second bottle. His brain had turned woosy and the world was more quiet. He felt peace, breathing in deeply, taking in the freedom.

_Silence._

He downed the rest of the second bottle, got up and almost fell over, catching himself on the armrest of the bench. He definitely drank too fast, but anything to make it hit harder.

_Get yourself together, the others will worry._

Stumbling back to his apartment, he was disappointed. No matter the promises he made with himself, to not drink or drink less. To try better and stay home for a night, he always broke them one way or another. Today again, he took this way out, giving into the urges to destroy himself. It came in waves. He felt decent enough months ago, but lately he started to feel worse again. It being so out of his control was frustrating.

_Why am I like this again now?_

He opened the door and saw Minkyun sitting in the living room alone. Another reason he didn’t want to go home. Minkyun flashed a loving smile and Changyoon's guilt flared up together with the butterflies. Without saying a word, he headed straight to his room. His room was small. A two person bed, a desk and a closet was all that filled it. He didn’t bother taking off his clothes and just pulled the blanket over his head.

Tomorrow was another day, another fight.

\--------------------------------------------------------

He woke up with a headache. 

_Same feeling, different morning. What day is it?_

Everything had started to blend together, his memory had gotten worse as he spiraled further down. He sat up, and opened the blinds, taking in the soft morning light, or was it the afternoon? Changyoon walked out to the kitchen, filling up a glass of water. The door opened softly and Minkyun stepped in.

“Are you okay, you seemed off yesterday.”

Changyoon turned around and put on a smile.

“Ofcourse!”

_Liar_

“It was just late yesterday, I was tired.”

Minkyun looked as if he wasn’t buying it, but he also knew asking further wouldn’t get him anywhere, an attempt was made before. He just walked over and gave the other a quick hug.

Changyoon hated Minkyun for being so kind. Hated him for always caring. He hated the puppy eyes that looked at him full of worry. He hated the bright smile that made him all flustered. He despised the feelings the younger gave him.

_Find someone better._

They were on a break from college this week. Their other roommate, Hyojin, was in and out of the apartment a lot, mostly to meet up with his childhood friend Seungjun or go to a the library to study. Changyoon and Minkyun stayed home, the younger was in his room a lot while the older just lazed around. The battles were the toughest when college was easy, he didn’t have things to take his mind off. He slowly caught up on some homework until the sun started to set. Being done with today, he fell down on the couch and scrolled through his phone.

_Boring. Why am I doing this... It’s a break anyway, everyone is doing other things. No one is here to stop you. They will get over you quickly-_

He dropped the phone on his chest, looking at the ceiling. 

_I need a drink_...

Changyoon stopped that thought as the door swung open and he was greeted by dimples and the smell of fried chicken. 

“I figured you hadn’t eaten yet.” 

Minkyun proudly placed a white bag on the table. Changyoon hated this. “You figured correctly,” he said with a big fake grin.

Minkyun settled next to him, starting on his food while the older joined him. Changyoon wanted to throw up after the first bite. The guilty butterflies and frustrations had taken away his appetite. But he forced himself to eat to avoid questions.

Dinner went by quietly. They had turned on a movie to watch but Changyoon didn’t follow it. He focussed on ignoring the gorgeous man next him and not throwing up his meal. But these days, staying focused was hard. 

He looked to his right and noticed Minkyun was staring at him. Locking eyes, the younger smiled and put an arm around the other, pulling him in to lay against his chest. It felt comfortable, safe. He closed his eyes and listened to the other's heartbeat, finding a moment of relaxation before realization.

_Keep your distance._

He got back up and walked out, hearing a disappointed sigh before the door closed.

_You made him worry. He knows something is up. Don't let him._

Changyoon went to the fridge and grabbed a drink before heading back, as if this was his plan from the start. He sat back on the couch to finish the rest of the movie.

The evening went by slowly.

_Too slow. Just end already, let me end the day, let time pass by faster._

The screen went black as the movie credits rolled.

“What did you think?” Changyoon started, trying to sound cheerful.

Minkyun tilted his head. “I don’t know, it was decent I guess. Nothing amazing” 

“Yeah, true...” 

Minkyun was the first to get up this time. Walking behind the couch towards the door, letting his fingers run through Changyoon's hair as he passed him. Changyoon felt tired and laid down on the soft pillows.

"You shouldn't sleep on the couch silly."

Minkyun was standing next to him, the older hadn't even noticed him coming back in.

Changyoon sighed, "I won't, I'm just resting for a bit."

"Is everything alright?"

"Like I said, it's nothing."

"It's not nothing, I know something has been bothering you."

Changyoon smiled softly. “Really, it’ll be alright. I’m just feeling a bit down and stressed, nothing new for a person. Everything will be fine soon.” 

Again, Minkyun didn’t buy it. “You always stay quiet, it’s better to just talk about it. Even if we can’t help, we want to understand.”

“It’s fine,” Changyoon sighed and laid his head back down. “It’ll all be fine soon.”

“Promise me.” 

“It will.”

“Promise. Me.”

“Stop bugging me, please.”

He couldn’t make such a big promise. He was too unsure and making it a promise felt bad. He already hated himself for not keeping his own promises, he didn't want to also possibly not go through with a promise towards Minkyun or all people. But then again, having Minkyun hate him might be better, might finally kill these feelings.

Minkyun left the room, noticeably frustrated. 

_I should stop making other people's lives worse_

Changyoon got up, forced himself to take a shower and crawled into bed. He put his earphones in, turning up the swaying sounds, trying to turn his mood a bit better until he fell asleep. Tomorrow was another day, another fight.

\--------------------------------------------------------

He got woken up by a loud noise.

“Yoon!! We are going out!”

Blinded by the light from the doorframe Changyoon forced his eyes open, being blinded even further by a big grin coming from a tall brown haired guy showing off two carnival tickets. 

“It’s eight in the morning? Where did you get those,” Changyoon complained in a raspy voice.

“Dude it's like twelve pm…” 

_Did I forget my alarm again..._

“Anyway,” Minkyun continued. "My friend gave them to me. He got them for his anniversary with his girlfriend, but they broke up a week ago. He handed them to me, saying I should go with my girlfriend.”

A small sting ran through Changyoon's heart. “You have a girlfriend!?” 

“No, and I didn’t back then either but they don’t believe me,” Minkyun smiled. “However, they are about to expire, I want to make use of these and I know you don’t have plans. Won’t you join me?”

Knowing Minkyun didn't have a partner, his jealous feelings left again. But going on a date wasn't smart. “Don’t you have anyone else to go with you?”

“I want to go with you. Come, it’ll be fun.”

“Fine," the older answered, not wanting to hurt the other by rejecting him harsher

“Alright!! I’ll plan our trip.” 

Having made the decision to come, he tried to look forward to it. He picked his favourite outfit and paid extra attention to his hair. This might well be the only date he would ever have with Minkyun, the only date he might ever have.

The kitchen got filled with the smell of baked eggs and toast. Changyoon had gotten hungry, which was a rare feeling, and settled to eat his breakfast. Minkyun sat next to him, pulling a face to ask for a bite. After he received some food he showed the different routes they could take. They settled on one and packed their things. 

Now in the hallway, Minkyun looked over his shoulder. “You look cute by the way, I like your shirt.” He stepped out, leaving Changyoon flustered before gathering himself and following the younger. 

The usual, _just jump_ , sentence sprung up in his mind when they were waiting for their train. But it had become normal to him. As when you hear "good morning" from a friend everyday during the first class, you don't register it as an important sentence anymore. Changyoon just heard "end it" everyday when his transportation came by. Most days he ignored it, didn't pay attention to it. In waves the voice got more prominent, more convincing, like you just got a new friend and the way they say "good morning" seems more meaningful. 

While the statements had been very loud lately, today felt better, he decided to enjoy his time with Minkyun. Making sure to keep a safe distance. Like he made a truce with himself, just for this day.

They arrived at the carnival without much trouble. The vibrant atmosphere of the place was exciting. There were stalls everywhere with blinding lights. Different songs were playing through multiple speakers around the attractions, creating a mess of intrusions doing a number on Chanyoon's senses. Luckily Minkyun seemed to notice how clueless the older was. He grabbed Changyoon's hand and guided him to the nearest shooting range and placed a few coins on the counter. 

"You do it!" he held out a cheap plastic gun to the older.

"Alright."

Changyoon wasn't surprised when he missed nearly every shot. He thanked the stall holder a bit embarrassed and handed back the plastic weapon. Minkyun giggled as he pulled the other to the next activity even though Changyoon instantly felt a lot worse after his failed shooting. It seemed like a dumb thing to feel that bad about, but it nearly ruined his mood. 

Minkyun let his eyes fall on the big row of claw machines "Wait, I want to try those!"

"Sure."

Changyoon stood behind the taller as he was hunched over a joystick, heavily concentrating. It took him a few tries, and a lot of cursing, to finally get something. Eventually, Changyoon wasn’t paying attention anymore, he was staring at the many lights around them when Minkyun tapped on his shoulder. Turning around, Changyoon was met with a beige fluffy alpaca.

“Here!”

“Huh? Why? You won it.”

“Well yeah, but I mainly just wanted to play the machine,” Minkyun said, putting the alpaca in Changyoon's hands. “You appreciate this stuff more. Plus, it looks like you! A bit silly and huggable.”

Again with the blunt compliments, Minkyun always managed to just say and show what he thought. Before Changyoon could respond they were interrupted by Seungjun and a pair of students that seemed vaguely familiar.

A short brown haired guy spoke up first, “Yo Minkyun!” he waved at them.

“Ah, Yuto, Jaeyoung... and Seungjun?” 

“Yeah am I not allowed to enjoy a carnival too?” Seungjun said in a sassy tone. “You dragged Changyoon with you?” 

Changyoon was surprised Seungjun still knew his name, they had barely interacted, they only knew of one another through Hyojin.

“Well I just wanted to make use of the tickets.”

Seungjun smiled sarcastically. “Romantic.”

Minkyun sighed, “Please...Anyway, have you been here for long?” he asked. 

“Yeah, we were just on our way out actually,” the scary looking student said, by process of elimination Changyoon figured that must be Jaeyoung. “We got some studying to do that Seungjun is gonna help us with, so we only came here in the morning.” 

Minkyun looked confused “Studying?”

Jaeyoung sighed, “Yes idiot, did you forget again!?”

“Uhm…”

“It’s for chemistry. We have a test in two days,” Yuto informed.

“Fuuuuuuck…I forgot our break is over next week,” Minkyun groaned. “Since I’m failing chemistry, my mind is just blocking it out like a bad memory I feel.”

Changyoon giggled at the desperation in his friend's voice. “I can help you tonight, I passed quite easily last year. I’m sure I can teach you whatever you need to know.”

“Oh, you are a hero," Minkyun placed his hands together and bowed dramatically, earning him a shove from the older. 

Seungjun pulled up an eyebrow, “Good to see you having fun with someone, Kyun.”

Without meaning to, Changyoon shot a glare at the comment.

They said their goodbyes and went separate ways. Changyoon was nervous, he didn’t want to get mad at Seungjun, but something about his comment didn’t feel right. He absolutely didn’t want others to misunderstand his relationship with Minkyun, they were friends. This sexual orientation had only brought Changyoon nothing but hardships; when he told his parents he got punched by his dad. When he confessed to a friend, he got bullied until he graduated. Now he just hides, hides his preference, hides his desire and definitely hides his feelings for his beautiful, caring friend. No way was he going to make his friend get into a gay relationship and face the same issues. He fiddled with the alpaca to calm his nerves.

They played around a bit longer, taking some rides and trying more, most likely very rigged, stalls. Minkyun had dragged the older into a shitty photo booth stall and annoyed him long enough to have some fun pictures printed out. When the final countdown started for the last shot, Minkyun grabbed the other's face and planted a big kiss on his cheek. Changyoon's eyes went large as a bright flash hit him. Minkyun removed himself and jumped out, leaving the other frozen in the booth. 

_Why does he keep doing things like that… Does he actually like me? He shouldn’t._

Changyoon left the booth feeling nervous and was handed a row of photos.

Minkyun shot him a bright smile, “Pick out the ones you want! I’ll take the others.”

“Let’s decide that later. We should go home and study.” Changyoon didn’t want to talk about the pictures. He definitely didn’t want to question the other's action, fearing it might get something out of him that Changyoon wouldn’t allow himself to answer honestly.

“Are you alright?”

_Idiot. Smile._

“Yes, yes of course. The flash just gave me a bit of a headache. Now, let’s head back.”

Minkyun hummed a response and they set off back home. Taking the same bus and the same train. Each time Changyoon heard the voice egging him on, to just finally do it. It made him feel a little neauseous, so to keep in the station food they grabbed halfway, he focused on Minkyun. Watching the younger's lips move, as words formed sentences, he didn’t register anything the other was saying but luckily that wasn’t noticed. He kept being reminded of how soft those lips felt on his cheek. He wanted to feel it again. He hated it.

Back home they settled around the kitchen table and leaned over Minkyun's chemistry books. 

The younger groaned. “I already want to stop.”

“We haven’t even opened the book yet…”

“I still want to stop already.”

“C’mon, get motivated, you have to do this.”

Minkyun put on a cheeky smile and leaned forward. “Then let’s motivate me. What will my reward be if I score well on the test?”

Changyoon had a bad feeling about this. “Uhm, what do you want then.”

“Let’s go on a date. Like a proper date... you know?”

“...What?”

Minkyun shyly shifted his eyes to the ground. “Uhm... hang out and stuff, it’ll be fun.”

“We did that today too? Is that really a special reward?” Changyoon said, pretending to be oblivious to what Minkyun was implying.

the younger sat back. “It’s something I want so what does it matter? Let’s just have fun again, alright? But as a date...”

“Sure, let me pay for the food then.”

“Yessss.”

“Only if you score above an eight.”

“And if it’s below that?” 

“If it's only a passing grade then you pay,” Changyoon stated, making the other smile softly. “Now, back to studying.” 

_Why the fuck did I agree to that? You'll just hurt him and give him hope._

He hated that he knew it was wrong, that he shouldn't go with Minkyun's whims, it would only bring pain later on. Changyoon didn't have the courage to stand by Minkyun's side proudly, he felt he didn't belong there. He shook his head and told himself to deal with it later, he was too tired.

The study session went by smoothly, he wasn’t gonna let Minkyun fail on purpose just to not let a date go through. The younger's already short attention span was starting to fade as a redhead peaked into the kitchen.

“Minkyun is studying!? What miracle is this?

“Hey, I’m not that bad of a student okay.” 

Hyojin pulled up his eyebrow, “We both know that you are”

“What brings you here?” Changyoon chipped in before the two would start one of their endless arguments.

Hyojin had moved to the cabinet for evening snacks. “I live here.”

“Okay fair, but you’re barely home.”

“Well today I am. Have to catch up on some homework so I’ll be a hermit for the next two days. I got a test Monday.” 

“Good luck,” Minkyun mumbled

Hyojin strolled out with a bag of chips and Changyoon got up. “Shall we end it here? Same time tomorrow?”

Minkyun nodded in response. “Say” He grabbed the other by the sleeve. “Did you have fun today?” 

“Yeah. Why do you ask?” 

Minkyun's eyes turned soft. "Nothing, just making sure. Don’t forget to pick out the photos that you want.”

_Ohyeah… The photos._

Changyoon collected the pictures and the alpaca as he headed to his room to settle on the bed. He let his thumb run over the glossy photo paper. 

Ten silly frames that told the story of two idiots in a photo booth. How a cheeky brown haired guy pulled an unwilling dude into a booth, poking his sides to get him to laugh, getting into a drunk-like mood, coming up with seven more bad poses before he ended it with a kiss on the other's cheek. It made the unwilling one pull probably the worst face of them all; a face of bashfulness, shock and regret.

He debated what to do with _that_ one, the final one. 

_Should I keep it? To not let Minkyun be remembered of it so he wouldn’t try and do it again? But that could also make him misunderstand, that I accepted the kiss and maybe a love confession behind it?_

_Should I give it back? As a way of saying I don’t want that memory? It’s probably the best option. But then he will have it to treasure and remember, making him hold on to his feelings longer._

_God, I’m overthinking this, maybe I’m just cocky for thinking he even likes me and isn’t just trying to cheer me up._

Changyoon stared at the image. He hadn’t noticed he had been smiling at it. Something in him couldn’t let go of it, something in him which he hated.

He took that one and another four pictures he liked and placed them in a drawer in his desk. The rest he left behind in the empty living room and went back to bed. He was torn about today, he had a lot of fun, but also many things he regretted. 

_Maybe tomorrow will be better._

\--------------------------------------------------------

Saturday was eventless. Changyoon worked on his homework, had a small moment of pride when he managed to clean some clothes off the ground that had been there for weeks, and gathered his materials for when school started back up on Monday. After dinner he would help Minkyun study, trying his best to keep a certain distance during their sessions. During the night Minkyun had gone to stay over at a friend's place for fun. So aside from ‘Hermit Hyojin’ Changyoon was home alone. He grabbed a few beers from the fridge and went to his room to wait for the day to end. Nothing distracted him today and he felt empty. The fun of the other day only made today's bad mood hit harder. He couldn't think of a reason he felt like this, he just felt like shit. While downing the cans like water he wondered how Thursday would pan out, the day Minkyun would get his grade back and they would, possibly, have their 'date'. Would he be able to keep the distance? What should they eat? What movie were they going to put on? What were they even going to do? 

...How would the day end?

He shook his head to get rid of the fantasy. Again he knew he shouldn't, accepting this date was already dangerous and he felt mean doing it. Accepting anything further would just be awful.

He emptied the remaining cans. Wanting to forget, wanting to pause the battle between his thoughts and his desires. Instead of making it less, it just got more sinful. How would the day end? Would they just go to sleep? Would Minkyun try and make a move on him? What would it be like to be undressed by him? To be ruined by him…

Against his better judgement he gave in, the alcohol telling him it would be fine. No one knows. He got out of his pants and let his mind run free. Stroking himself down as he imagined Minkyun on top of him. How those big lips run down his neck. How it would feel to have the other forcefully enter and rub inside him. Thinking about Minkyun inside him made his hole needy and he grabbed the lube that was near empty by now, only making him feel more sinful as squeezed the last bit out. He laid down jerking himself off while inserting a finger and continuing the previous train of thought, dreaming about what Minkyun would do to ravage him. He moved his hands and fantasized until he came into his fist.

_I'm pathetic_

\--------------------------------------------------------

Sunday came around and he felt anxious. Waking up, nothing was different, but something felt off. His head was heavy and he didn’t want to get out of bed. The clock told him half the day had already passed. To not make the others worry, he went out of his room and saw Hyojin sitting on sofa, looking like a zombie. 

“Are you alright dude?”

Hyojin was unresponsive so Changyoon went to stand in front of him.

“Hey… Did you even sleep last night? You don’t look too good.”

Hyojin drowsily looked up and tears started rolling down his cheeks. “Oh dear,” Changyoon pulled the older into a tight hug and mumbled comforting words, letting Hyojin sob on his shoulder until the loud stuttering breaths turned into soft sniffles. 

Changyoon ran his fingers through the red strands that had started to grow out.

“Will you tell me what happened? Is there anyone I need to beat up?”

Hyojin giggled softly and buried his head on the youngers neck. “It’s Seungjun.”

“I wouldn’t mind beating him up.” 

“Please don’t. But it’s not going well.” 

“What isn’t?”

With a deep sigh Hyojin removed himself to wipe his eyes and pulled his knees up to his chest, as a form of protection. “Can I trust you?”

Changyoon placed his hand on Hyojin's shaking shoulders as a way to reaffirm his statement. “Always.” 

The deer-like eyes stayed glued to the floor “I’ve been dating Seungjun for over a year now," he bit his lip in nervousness, “I’m sorry if me being gay disgusts you.”

A light feeling fell over Changyoon, he somehow felt relieved knowing he wasn’t alone. That maybe he could tell someone again. “It’s not disgusting,” he hesitated, before softly mumbling, “I actually bat for the same team.” 

It felt weird admitting that again after so many years of staying silent. On the one hand it was nice being open to someone, meeting someone like you. But then again, it was terrifying, it wasn’t just his secret anymore, someone else kept it with him, someone he couldn’t control.

Hyojin untensed his body. Not wanting to make it a big deal, Changyoon continued. “So, I guess this confession means that what happened was beyond ‘just friends’?”

“Yeah.” Hyojin let out a loud sigh, “School has been too much. I’ve had to let him down so many times lately. I thought last week we could finally meet up, we bought tickets for a carnival, but I had to cancel. I even pulled an all-nighter the day before to make sure that I could make it. But one of my shit group members said they were too sick to do their part and I had to do it.” 

He let his legs fall off the couch. 

“I explained it to Junnie and he understood but he was noticeably disappointed. Which I fully get, I hated it too. There are many more examples… Like today, we were supposed to get together, I had all my tasks finished. But my mom called me just now to demand that I go home to meet a new private teacher she suddenly decided to hire for me.”

“But you’re not failing any subjects?!”

Hyojin shot up and increased his volume. “I goddamn know, but she found out that I scored a seven on math. And hohoho, you're not allowed to get anything below a fucking nine in this bitching household,” he added in a mocking tone and fell back against the couch. "So I had to cancel again.”

“Did Seungjun get mad?”

“No, he just said ‘alright’ and hung up. Which honestly felt worse.”

Changyoon wasn’t sure what to say. The other looked tired, he knew Hyojin had been working hard, being either not home or cooped up all day.

“I’m so done, I honestly just want to call my mom and tell her to get off my goddamn back already. I just want to enjoy my time with Seungjun. I hate having to let him down. And for what? To study an ungodly amount just so her ego can be fed?”

“Alright,” Changyoon tried to calm Hyojin down. “Why don’t you just… not go home? You're a fucking adult, it's your own life, just go to Seungjun... Or invite him here? Minkyun isn’t here anyway today so you don’t have to try and hide.”

“He has actually been asking to come over.”

“Then it’s settled, tell your mom to leave and your boyfriend to come over. Choose for yourself. Stay responsible but chase your own happiness.”

“Can I really do that?”

“What is she going to do? You’re here on a scholarship and you manage your own finances.”

Hyojin threw his head back and let out a loud groan. “You're right. Thanks. For convincing me… and accepting me.”

“Don't mention it, you can always come to me. And I'm sure Seungjun doesn't hate you, don't worry.” 

The redhead looked at him, “About before, you ‘batting for the same team’," Hyojin's eyes gres a twinkle, “I’ve been wondering. You carry a torch for that loudmouth shithead Minkyun don’t you.”

Changyoon kept his poker face and shoved Hyojin playfully. “Just call your boyfriend, before he makes other plans.” He subtly rushed out of the room. 

Leaning over the kitchen sink, a wave of panic came over him.

_I shouldn’t have said that_

Having his secret out there, admitting it again to someone. His mind kept flashing back and forth, every time he blinked frames of the previous times jumped into his mind and the air escaped him. He was back in his old house, his dad looming over him as a fist landed on his face. His ears started ringing as screams of homophobic slurs and his mom crying blended together. His breath stuttered as he remembered running up the stairs to escape. 

_Calm down, calm down, calm down._

He caught himself before he spiraled further down and staggered to a chair. With shaking hands he pulled his headphones out of his pocket. Turning the music way up to be taken to a different place. Slowly his heart steadied and he focused on his breath. Music was one of the only things that could calm him down. He let himself be taken away by the swaying beats. Like diving into an ocean, the sounds deafened. The thoughts, the memories, the screams all sounded like they were above water. Like they couldn’t reach him, just for a moment. He stayed seated until he was back in control. Putting his arms on the table, as a pillow for his head, he dozed off until he heard the bell ring, reminding him he had to get back to reality. He rushed to the door to intercept Hyojin who looked at him confused.

“Please,” Changyoon scanned the other's face to make sure he was listening. “Don’t tell anyone I’m gay. Seungjun included.”

Hyojin nodded. “I understand. I won’t. I promise.”

Changyoon had greeted Seungjun but quickly left the two alone as soon as Hyojin started ranting about his mom while heavily apologizing to the other. The last glimpse he caught of the pair was Seungjun pulling Hyojin into a close hug on the couch as he told him everything was alright and that he loved him. 

Sitting on his bed, Changyoon couldn’t help feeling jealous. It did him good to see Hyojin like this. He hadn’t seen the genuine joy in the redheads' eyes lately, having it return as soon as he laid eyes on his boyfriend was a wonderful sight. But he envied Hyojin for being able to open up, being able to let himself be loved by someone, accepting himself enough to share his life with someone else. He sighed and let his head rest on his pillow. 

_Maybe one day I can have something like that._

Memories of Minkyun creeped up in his mind and he instantly tried to distract himself with his phone. His eyes were too tired to stay focused for long. The stress of before gave him a headache. He closed his eyes and dozed off. 

Three knocks on the door woke him up. Changyoon looked at his phone, it was eight pm, he didn't remember falling asleep. The door opened and Minkyun peaked in.

“Oh you are awake? Why didn’t you answer?”

Changyoon cleared his throat. "I only just woke up.”

“Is everything okay? You never sleep during the day.”

“I guess,"-He shrugged-"Some stuff happened today. And it tired me out.”

“Was Seungjun that hard to deal with?" Minkyun giggled to himself. “Speaking of Seungjun. Him and Hyojin went out to eat together. I already ate but I wanted to check if you had dinner yet."

"I did." It was an obvious lie, but Changyoon wasn't hungry today. "Want to go over chemistry one more time?"

"No, but we should."

After helping Minkyun one last time, another day ended. Changyoon got nervous. If the younger didn't suddenly forget everything he would easily pass the test. Possible good and very, very bad scenarios of their date played through his mind. He kept overthinking until he fell asleep.

\--------------------------------------------------------

The following days went by too fast. He couldn't tell them apart. Forgetting most things that happened or that he was supposed to do, barely keeping up with homework, and spending hours after class wandering the streets. He tried to keep his alcohol intake to a minimum because it had gotten too much. Taking routes that didn't pass a store, staying in the living room where the others could see him, just small things to make it easier to stay away. Although he didn't manage to do it every night, he was proud of the tiny steps.

Thursday came by and the stress was eating at him. Changyoon couldn’t pay attention in class, being jump scared by a notification.

[Kyunnie]

~8.2~

That was all the text said, but it was enough for Changyoon to feel heavy. He was happy that his friend passed, excited that he got to hang out with him all day and terrified about how it could go. Class ended and he waited for the younger at the school entrance. 

“Yooooooooooooooooooooon!!!” Minkyun came running at the older, nearly tackling him with a hug, “I fucking aced that test! Above an 8? I never thought the day would come where there would be an eight next to my name on a chemistry paper.”

“You deserve it dude, you worked hard." Changyoon tried to remove himself but the hold was strong.

Minkyun had the biggest smile on him, showing a perfect row of white teeth. Changyoon hated it, it made him feel all fuzzy and it reminded him in love he was. 

Minkyun let go of him and Changyoon straightened his clothes. “So where are we headed?” 

“I was thinking karaoke? I haven’t heard you sing in a while, I miss it.”

Changyoon was against the idea, he loved music, but it had a strong impact on him. His emotions became looser when belting notes, it would weaken his defenses. But he made an agreement, today it was Minkyun's choice.

“Alright, sure. Let’s go to the one close to our house, they serve good food.”

“Yes, please, I’m hungry,” Minkyun grabbed Changyoon's wrist and walked him to the station. 

Changyoon looked at his arm, Minkyun didn’t let him go, not even now while they waited for the train. People gave them odd glances as they stood there, almost hand in hand. Changyoon wanted to remove himself but it also felt safer to stay like this. For once he didn’t have to argue with himself as a train rushed past, because he couldn’t move. Minkyun was strong, he probably didn’t even realize, but it made Changyoon's fingers tingle as the blood flow got cut off slightly. Minkyun ranted the entire way about next to nothing, but he spoke as if it was incredibly important. Changyoon just listened, sympathizing with him about _'too much homework'_ and _‘the teacher questioning him a bunch suspecting he cheated.’_ He enjoyed listening to the other, even if it was meaningless chit chat. 

Since they weren’t sure if Minkyun would pass, they didn’t reserve a booth. Luckily the karaoke bar had a free spot. Changyoon let out a relieved sigh and they were moved to the small space. Just two red sofa's with a table in between. The 50's cafe aesthetic of the room was a bit broken up by a big flat screen hanging on the wall to display the lyrics. Minkyun walked right back out to order them both some drinks while Changyoon picked the first song. He had suggested to go first, mainly so he couldn’t make himself nervous while waiting for his turn. Together with the start of the song the younger walked back in with two glasses of soju. 

Minkyun placed the drinks on the table. “You like yours sweet right?”

“Drinking already?”

“C’mon let me. Like I said on the train, today was actually kind of shit, some stuff happened, and I want my mood to turn fully.” 

Changyoon didn’t ask questions, Minkyun didn’t seem like he wanted to answer any anyway. The older knew this song by heart already, it was an easy and slow one. They both swayed on the rhythm, just enjoying the tunes, overlaid with a nasally voice. Changyoon didn’t know how to feel, he loved being in here with the music, with Minkyun. Just a small room with them, away from responsibilities, away from others, away from judgement. Everything seemed fine in here, but they had to go out in 2 hours, they had to face the world again. It was Minkyun's turn and Changyoon cursed at himself for enjoying it here. For enjoying Minkyun's presence, his voice, his smell. He didn’t want to feel anything for the younger, nothing good would come out of it. Why couldn’t he just see the other as a friend, why couldn’t he just be normal. Why was he still here...

The door opened and a cute service girl walked in with a plate of different fried dishes and more drinks. She paid no attention to Changyoon but he noticed her ears turning a little red as she smiled at Minkyun. The younger thanked her for the food with a big grin making the girl's face fully flush.

_That's how it's supposed to look._

He absent mindedly started on the food while Minkyun put on another song. The song was loud and high pitched, but he nailed every note. The bottles increased throughout the short hour they spent there. Changyoon knew that it was a poor decision to drink with Minkyun close to him. But some mistakes were just too easy to make. The music felt louder as they picked more upbeat songs and the atmosphere in the room got light, making the following hour pass by even quicker accompanied by more drinks. The timer went off and the screen turned black. While Changyoon tried to look sober walking to the counter with his card. Minkyun laughed, a bit too loudly, seeing how idiotically drunk the other was. The staff gave them an annoyed look and they hurried out after paying. They continued their karaoke on the way home, loudly singing very out of tune, laughing at each other's mistakes. Changyoon was glad Hyojin was out today as they looked embarrassing together. Making bad puns and recounting past events where they looked just as dumb.

"Oooooh and remember in the photo booth?" Minkyun teased as they stumbled into the living room.

"What, you looked just as stupid pulling those faces."

"I'm talking about your extremely shocked face when I kissed you. God, you looked so cute and hilarious." 

Changyoon tried to play it cool, as cool as his drunk mind could make him. "Oh please, how am I supposed to look having your gross lips smeared across my face." 

"Oooohh~" Minkyun slurred his words, "But you looked cute." He stepped closer and grabbed Changyoon's face, pushing their foreheads together, he frowned trying to concentrate his drunk mind. "I wanna see it again."

"Wait-" Changyoon got cut off. Big soft lips connected to his. A tingling sensation ran down his spine. He felt his heart race. His mind went empty, the only thing going through him was how amazing Minkyun tasted. His vision started to spin more and he closed his eyes. He knew he should pull back, this was dangerous. Before he could move away, Minkyun ran his fingers through the other's hair, leaned in closer and parted his lips. Changyoon melted and followed the other's lead, letting himself be pushed on the couch. 

This was bad, he knew this wasn't going to end well. But his inner voice, telling him to stop, had been shut up by alcohol. 

He ran his hands down Minkyun's back, grabbing onto his shirt. He moaned softly, feeling a tongue brush over his own. He didn't know how to breathe properly, but he didn't care, anything to have this moment last longer. The mix of alcohol, nerves and impatience made their kisses clumsy. Their teeth clinked together as Minkyun moved to lift himself slightly. Changyoon felt a hand slide under his shirt following the curve of his waist, making the last of his common sense leave him and he gave in. Pressing his lips firmly against Minkyun's, letting him know he was eager to continue. They grinded against each other, letting out soft moans. Minkyun trailed kisses down Changyoon's face to his neck, taking the skin between his teeth and sucking on it to leave a mark.

He didn’t give the other a break. He sat back to unbutton Changyoon's jeans, taking them, and the underwear, off in one motion. He pushed his own garments down and laid on top. Minkyun pushed his tongue back inside Changyoon's mouth, who shivered as he felt their exposed dicks rub together. Impatiently, he wrapped his hand around their dicks, jerking him and Minkyun off. Minkyun rolled his hips with the rhythm of Changyoon's hand, dragging his cock across the other's. It was all getting too much, the excitement, the sensation, the need. Their moans filled the room, heating it up as they reached their euphoria. 

With a heavy body that was resting on him, breathing deeply, the sounds died down. Changyoon's brain wasn’t able to catch up anymore, the world went black as he passed out.


	2. Closing the distance

His fingers caressed a soft, yet unfamiliar, blanket. His head was aching. After attempting to move around, he shot up, and ran to the bathroom. Tripping over Minkyun who was laying on the ground next to him. He quickly leaned over the toilet, throwing up his insides until he only dry heaved. His stomach hurt and he felt dizzy. Wanting no one to see him, he locked the door and tried to get himself back together as he sat down on the cold tiles.

 _Where are my pants? Why was I in the living room? Whose blanket was that? What happened?_  
Clips of yesterday flashed through his mind. Them in the living room, Minkyun on top of him, their lips pressed together. He wanted to throw up again, regret boiling up inside him. He let his head rest on his shaking knees and tears rolled down his cheeks.

_What have I done..._

He felt awful; sobbing, sitting on the bathroom floor, in a cumstained shirt, smelling of alcohol and puke. He wanted the ground to swallow him whole. All his efforts to keep a distance between them fucked up in one night, how could anything go back to normal now? Going on a date he could explain that he misunderstood, but what he accepted last night you wouldn't 'just do', he wasn't that drunk, not drunk enough. He hated remembering it, he hated having to deal with it. It all felt hopeless. The room started to spin. He put his hands over his ears, trying to muffle his pathetic sounds that reminded him of how stupid he looked; Crying his eyes out over his own bad decisions in a panicked state.

Someone knocked on the door. 

Minkyun's soft raspy voice came from the other side, “Yoonie…”

“Leave.” His breath got higher and the panic set in.

“Yoon, are you alright?” 

“Leave me alone.”

“Open the door, I want to talk to you.” 

Changyoon's headache got worse, he felt like his head was going to explode. “Leave, please.” 

“Cha-”

“FUCK OFF!” His hands were trembling over his ears, hearing his own scream echo through the room. He felt trapped, he didn't want to face Minkyun and there was no other way out of the room. The silence that followed was even more painful. Changyoon tried to stay as quiet as possible, making sure his hitching breaths weren’t heard through the door. 

Minkyun's voice was noticeably shaking. “I get it if you don’t want to see me. I don’t remember everything that happened yesterday, but I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I’ll leave for today if it helps you calm down. I’ll be back tonight, we have to talk.” Minkyun sighed. “If you want me to move out, I will.” 

Changyoon focused on the footsteps until he heard the front door of their apartment close.  
Trying to steady his breath he focused on the gaps between the tiles, anything to get his mind to stop going in circles. It took him a while to settle down. Every time he thought he gained control his memory would be refreshed and it started all over again. He started to play songs in his mind, hoping it would help. His body was aching from the shakes. Cold sweat dried up, making his already gross shirt even more uncomfortable. His head felt heavy. He just wanted to stay here forever, stay until he withered away. Nothing could make this good, no matter how much they would talk. It would be best to just leave, leave everything, leave everyone. He stayed seated until his bones hurt. He didn't want Hyojin to find him like this. Reluctantly he got up, feeling dizzy, his legs were barely able to carry him. He hydrated himself and took medicine for his headache. Nearly making him throw up again. The awful smells just reminded him of yesterday's events so he decided to take a shower.  
He threw the shirt in the wash and turned on the hot water, trying to scrub off the regret. 

Stepping out, he looked in the mirror. A tired face stared back, his eyes were red and puffy, his lips were chapped, he tore his eyes away as soon as he noticed the little hickey on his neck.  
The room was quiet, but his thoughts were loud. He wondered what he could do. He couldn’t leave, he had nowhere to go, no one he wanted to confide in. He played different options in his head as he dressed in simple sweatpants and a baggy shirt. He couldn’t find a solution. Feeling lost he curled up on his bed. He imagined all the different versions of tonight's conversation that could take place. What if Minkyun would confess to him, would he be strong enough to reject him? Or brave enough to accept it? What if it ended with a fight and they threw Changyoon out? He is the older one, he should have been more responsible. Maybe Minkyun would call him disgusting and never wanted to interact with him again, they would ignore each other from then on. Or Minkyun would move out himself. He had enough friends he could live with. The thought of the other leaving his life forever triggered tears again.

_Stop crying already._

He turned on music through his headphones. Changyoon got frustrated at himself. He had no clue what to do, all his body could come up with was crying and he felt terrible. But he couldn’t stop the flow from his eyes. He couldn’t bring himself to just let himself be loved by Minkyun. Minkyun was too sweet, too kind. All Changyoon felt like he could do was be sad and annoying. Minkyun deserved someone that loved life as much as he did, that would happily join him on any adventure, without having a near panic attack and wanting to leave at the slightest mishap. But when he thought of never seeing Minkyun again, him finding someone else, getting married and starting a family, far away from Changyoon's reach. He hated it. Picturing Minkyun with someone else tore his heart, and it made him feel selfish.

A hand was placed on his shoulder, shaking him out of his train of thought. Hyojin was looking at him full of concern. Behind him was Seungjun with soft eyes. Changyoon noticed Hyojin's mouth move, but he didn’t hear a thing. Only then he clocked on that he was still listening to music. He took his earphones out and dried his eyes. Seungjun handed him some tissues.

“What happened? Why are you crying? Where is Minkyun?” Hyojin repeated himself.

Changyoon wanted to start but he hesitated. Letting his gaze go from Hyojin to Seungjun and back. The redhead picked up on the hint and got up. “Darling, is it alright if we meet tomorrow?”

“Oh yes, of course.” Seungjun tilted his head, trying to meet Changyoon's eyes. “Stay strong alright.”

Changyoon softly nodded in response and Hyojin walked his boyfriend to the door. After resettling himself, Changyoon sighed, he didn't want to talk about anything. Hyojin wandered back in and sat on the bed wrapping an arm around Changyoon. 

“So,” Hyojin started. “Did Minkyun reject you and run out?” he tried to joke. Changyoon scoffed and rested his head on the other's shoulder.

“Would be nice if it was that easy.”

“Alright, I have lots of free time. Lay it out, tell me”

“It’s fine.”

“Changyoon.”

“No really, there isn’t much that can be done.”

“I know I’m kind of terrible at consoling people, but try and lean on me. If you don't want to talk, this little spot does tell me something.” Hyojin tapped a finger on the other's neck. “Did Kyun do that?” he continued.

Changyoon nodded, unable to confirm that verbally, feeling regretful.

“Uhm… alright, just to be sure. Was that consensual?”

Changyoon chuckled softly. “We were both incredibly drunk, but yes it was.”

“But it didn’t go well?”

Changyoon bit his lip to stay silent.

“You really don’t want to talk?”

“No, Minkyun is coming home later tonight. We’ll talk it out.”

Hyojin sighed and pulled the other into a tight hug. “I worry about you, please come to me for help. Remember, I love you.” 

“Thank you.”

They sat on the bed, just to cuddle in silence. Changyoon calmed down a little, having a moment of peace, feeling protected. His mind was still swirling around but at least his body was safe. He felt bad keeping Hyojin here so long. Hyojin just talked about his day, silly happenings he had experienced, anything to fill the silence. It was a nice distraction from everything.

“Have you had dinner yet?” Hyojin asked softly.

“No.”

“Did you even eat anything today?”

“...Not really.”

“You really should, even if you’re not hungry. Lack of energy will only make you feel worse-”

Changyoon tensed up as he heard the front door open. 

“Relax alright. It’ll be fine,” Hyojin said quickly, noticing Changyoon's panic.

Footsteps came closer and Minkyun peeked through the open door.  
“Hey,” he mumbled, seeing Hyojin hold Changyoon tightly.

“That’s my cue to leave.” Hyojin got up and walked past Minkyun to his own room to study. "Be careful," he mumbled.

The air in the room got heavy the longer they stayed silent. Minkyun closed the door and walked towards Changyoon's desk.

“You still have it?” he asked, picking up the alpaca plush sitting next to Changyoon's study books.

Changyoon was confused. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know, I felt like you might’ve thrown it out by now.”

“It was only like a week ago. It was a gift and It’s cute.”

He placed it back down. “You don’t hate me?”

“I don’t, I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“That’s alright. I kind of deserved it.”

“No you didn’t, I was just as much as fault for this mistake.”

Minkyun looked dejected. “Mistake? I don’t see it as a mistak-”

“I do. A big one," Changyoon interrupted.

“Why-”

“This should never have happened. You were just too drunk and curious, it’s fine but let’s forget about it.”

Minkyun stepped closer. “No I don’t want to-”

“Minkyun-”

“No, let me speak…” He took a deep breath, “I’m in love with you. I did all that because I wanted to, I’ve been wanting to for a while. It was wrong of me to just kiss you, I know I shouldn't have done that. I wish I didn't but what's done has been done. I kissed you because I wanted to, I'm sorry it went the way it did.”

Changyoon curled his legs up on the bed. “Please stop, I don’t want to hear it.”

“But-”

Changyoon glared at the younger. “Quit it.” 

“Why did you go along with it then?! If you don’t like me.”-Minkyun raised his voice-“Fuck, I feel like an idiot. I actually thought you liked me back. That you went along with it because you wanted me too.” The obvious and hard rejection made Minkyun lash out, unwanted, as his emotions took over.

“Kyun, I…”

“I have been fucking obvious towards you, you must’ve known and you still gave me hope? That's sick Yoon, that hurts.”

Changyoon got pissed and shot up. “Don’t just make me out to be the bad guy here. I’m doing this for you.”

“Oh, so you’ve been toying with me for my sake?!”

“I’m not toying with you, I never have been," Changyoon's tone turned unintentionally sharp, "I’ve always been trying to keep a distance between us. You’re the one trying to close that.”

Minkyun started to yell “WHY are you keeping a vague distance. You could’ve just fucking told me you didn’t have feelings for me and I would’ve backed off. But you kept blushing at me, staring at me. You even agreed to go on a date with me, I even called it a date on purpose, multiple times. I know you were drunk, but you accepted my kiss and even jacked me off. I have no right to your feelings but it would've been nice for you to tell me straight up that you aren't interested. But only _now_ you suddenly reject me, saying you don’t even wanna hear my confession. Telling me to shut up, to quit it. After all that. That’s not ‘toying with someone’ to you?”

“Again, I’m not toying with you.” Changyoon only knew to repeat himself. He had no better explanation that wasn’t a full on lie. And he didn’t want to accept the confession. “This should never have happened. Please just forget about it.”

Minkyun’s tone was sharp. “If that’s what you want.” Changyoon felt the words cut like a knife. They were stabbed into his heart by Minkyun slamming the door behind him after he walked out. 

Changyoon let himself fall back on the bed.

_That is it then. I’ve done it now. I’ve hurt him more than I ever wanted. I should’ve been clear from the start. I should never have gotten so close to him. I’m an idiot. A fucking idiot. I’ve fucked it all up. I’m so useless._

\-------------------------------

During the following days, from the outside nothing had changed: They still lived in the same house, ate at the same table, walked the same routes to school. All that you could notice is that now, it was quiet. The only words that were exchanged were short questions. "What’s for dinner?" "Could you pass me the salt?" Only answered by one word sentences. Changyoon told himself this was alright, that this was better. But it hurt, fuck did it hurt seeing Minkyun purposely leave the room when he walked in. Hearing him bite words when too many questions were asked. Seeing a mixture of disappointment and hurt in his eyes. Those eyes that always looked at him with such love, such kindness, had turned cold. Minkyun was always an open book, but now, he had closed the pages, hidden them all from Changyoon. 

\-------------------------------

Changyoon walked around town aimlessly, not knowing where he was going, as long as it wasn’t home. At home it was painful. Hyojin hadn't asked any further questions and the days kept blending together. Every day he would stay out again, wander into the same 7-11, getting stares from the same employee wanting to close the store, grabbing the same bottles, finding the same bench. He regretted everything that happened the past week. If only he hadn't gone to the carnival, if only he hadn't agreed to a date, if only he could’ve laid off the alcohol that night.   
A week of fun, his mood finally lifted somewhat. Followed up by a week of long cold nights, feeling worse than ever. He felt empty, trying to fill himself up with the warmth of booze. This was the seventh night, another Friday, a week after their mistake.

He sat on the bench, becoming artificially warmer as the alcohol entered his blood flow. His mind stopped rushing somewhat. He looked at the sky, it was clear and the stars shone brightly alongside the moon. Normally, he always made sure to come home around midnight, even if the others were asleep around then and wouldn't notice. He had to go back, but he didn’t want to, not yet. He uselessly promised himself that he would go back soon. But soon turned into minutes, turned into hours, until he felt himself becoming cold again. He emptied the last of his drinks and got up to reheat his muscles. Walking away, further from home, nearly falling over again. Today, he thought it would be fine, they won't notice that he was gone. Would they notice if he left forever?

_What is the fucking point now? Me being home just makes Minkyun feel awful and Hyojin look like he is walking on eggshells. Who am I here for?_

Before he would go, he wanted to apologize to Minkyun. He didn't know how to go about it, but he wanted to say something, just anything. To at least make the younger feel better. 

He looked at his phone.

[5am]

[Jinnie~] - 8 missed calls 4:05  
[Kyunnie~] 1 missed call 3:58  
[Unknown Number] - 3 missed calls 3:45

_Fuck._

He started to feel dizzy.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Can't I make one fucking decision that doesn't fucking bother others?_

He turned around, taking a route home. He didn't know exactly where he was, he had wandered too far. He tried to retrace his steps but he forgot where he came from. He was lost.

Don’t panic, just call them back.

"Changyoon!"

A skinny figure jogged his way. 

"I'm glad I found you," the figure huffed. "What are you doing all the way out here?"

With a confused look, Changyoon scanned the others' face. "Seungjun? Why are you out?" His word slurred slightly.

"Hyojin called"-Seungjun took his phone out-"He was pretty panicked saying you weren't home yet and they couldn't reach you. He asked me to help search for you. I'll call him real quick to let him know you're alright. Stay put, I live close by, we can go there." 

Changyoon didn't want this to become a whole scene. "No, I'll go home myself." 

"Do you even know the way?"

"I'll be fine," he quickly stated and set off but Seungjun grabbed his wrist.  
"Changyoon I don't know what happened. But with the state you're in, I'm not letting you walk home alone."

A wave of anger came over him with Seungjun's scolding tone. "What do you care, I'm like this basically everyday," he tried, as if that would make Seungjun any more confident. "Leave me be, I'll make it home, I have my phone."

Seungjun yanked on the other's wrist. "Listen to me. Just come to my house and talk to them already."

The last time they ‘talked’, it didn't end well. He didn't want to have to go through that again. He tried to escape but again he felt trapped.

"Please, let me go. Now."

"No. I need to call Hyojin about where you are."

The thought of being forced to talk made him run more on instinct the more panicked he got. He needed to get out. His vision became hazy and his heart rate picked up.

"Just fuck off already." With all his strength Changyoon yanked his hand free, the adrenaline pushing him forward. He felt his fist connect with a delicate nose. The sensation running through his arm and the bright red colour that started flowing from Seungjun's face snapped him back in an instant.

"Ohgod, ohno." He stretched out his arms to support the other, who was bent over in pain while holding his face. "Seungjun, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me."

Seungjun glared back. "Come with me." With a hand on his nose and the other back on Changyoon's wrist, he walked a fast pace, guiding them along the streets to his house.

They arrived at a cosy house. “My parents are out, they took a small holiday,” Seungjun clarified as he walked straight to the kitchen. 

He bowed his head over the sink cleaning himself with tissues. “Call Hyojin.” It sounded more like an order than a suggestion, but Changyoon was hesitant, he felt that Hyojin would kill him if he saw Seungjun like this. Seungjun turned around to scold again, but Changyoon was one step further and quickly grabbed his phone. He was just staring at the screen. Seungjun got impatient and stole the phone out of the other's hand, ran through the contacts and dialed Hyojin.

“Hey, no it’s me. I’m with Changyoon though.”  
…

"He's not hurt, but he’s pretty out of it."

…

"No I don’t have a cold, my nose just… Just come over."

…

"Okay, see you soon. Calm down, okay?"

…

"Yeah, I love you too, bye."

He hung up and continued treating his injury. Changyoon didn’t know what to do with himself. Anything he had done this evening turned out bad, so he decided to stay put this time, standing in the middle of the kitchen until Seungjun pointed at him to open the door when the bell rang. 

He was met with Hyojin looking concerned and Minkyun having a mixed expression, he looked mad, but there was also a hint of relief. The older immediately hugged Changyoon, unknowing of what he did to his boyfriend

“I’m glad you are fine.”

“Why is there blood on your hand?" Minkyun remarked. "Are you hurt?”

Changyoon hadn’t even noticed it. He looked at his hand, the blood had mostly dried up by now. Focusing on it, he realized how much his fingers hurt from the impact. 

“Come let’s go inside, close the door Kyun.” Hyojin slowly walked in front of them to the living room. His face turned sour when he saw his boyfriend sitting in one of the chairs. 

“What happened to you?” Connecting the dots, he turned around. “What the fuck did you do?”

“I..I'm sorry,” Changyoon's breath hitched making Seungjun quickly stand up. “Jin, it’s alright, now is not the time.”

“It’s not alright! Did he hit you?”

“Jin, calm down,” Seungjun tried, to defuse the situation.

Hyojin went to care for him. “Does it hurt? Did you treat it?” He placed his hand on his boyfriend's cheek

“Well yes it hurts of course, but I cleaned it and the blood mostly stopped already I think. And I’m pretty sure it isn’t broken.”

After making sure he was alright, Hyojin turned back, still looking pissed, and gestured for everyone to sit down.

Seungjun sat back down, Hyojin settled next to Changyoon on the couch and Minkyun took his place on a different chair, not making eye contact. 

“Alright,” Hyojin's sudden start made Changyoon jump. His heart hadn’t stopped racing ever since he opened the door. “Tell us what's up. I know something is up and I’ve been patient with you. But this is getting out of hand. It’s past 5am, you’re horribly drunk and you punched someone, let us help you, please.”

“I know I messed up.”

“That’s good but, why did you? We aren’t going to force you to do anything, we won’t judge you. But just let us know so we can at least support you.”

Changyoon hated being the center of attention like this, all three of them were staring at him, waiting for him to just lay it all out. He couldn’t meet any of their eyes. His throat felt full, like all the words that should be said were piling up, not being allowed to come out.

“I know it’s not easy,” Hyojin tried to push. “Maybe tell us why you stayed out so long?”

“I didn’t want to go home.”

“Why?”

His voice cracked, “Hyojin, I…”

“Is it our fault?”

"No, it's..."

"Maybe if you-"

Minkyun finally spoke up, “Hyojin enough.”

“We have to know.”

“We don’t have the right to any information. All you’re doing is pressuring him.”

Having someone on his side made Changyoon feel a bit more at ease. However, the uncaring tone Minkyun had, scared him, even if he understood it. 

“You aren’t sounding very comforting either,” Hyojin remarked, also noticing how the other was spitting his words.

"He has every right to hate me," Changyoon blurted out. 

“Does it have to do with what happened last week? I overheard Minkyun yell the summary that time so I more or less know it wasn’t good.”

Changyoon didn’t even know where to start. But Seungjun broke the silence. “Well if it is something between you two, we shouldn’t be here. It might not solve everything but it's best to at least talk it out. Hyojin told me the tension in you guys’ apartment has been heavy.”

Changyoon placed his head in his hands “I know.”

“Then let’s go,” Seungjun managed to convince before he took off upstairs, together with Hyojin, who at first disagreed. But somehow, Seungjun managed to get through to him.

A silence fell across in the room. It was just Changyoon and Minkyun confronting each other. There was so much that Changyoon wanted to say, so much he needed to get out. But he couldn’t make sentences. His mind kept going in between wanting to just yell everything out, wanting to just confess his feelings, saying ‘fuck it’ to all his worries. And wanting to stay quiet, wanting to keep it all to himself.

He felt at fault. He should at least say something. "I… I'm sorry," he tried, keeping his eyes locked with the carpet that decorated Seungjun's floor.

"About what?"

"What I said to you."

"What you did to me was worse," Minkyun scoffed.

"I did it for you."

Minkyun turned towards Changyoon. "Again with that, what the fuck do you mean by that."

“It’s just...” His mind was too tired of it all to keep him from confessing, he didn’t care anymore, it couldn’t get worse. “I just want you to be happy. Happy with someone that fits you.”  
He started to ramble. He was tired, tired of all the overthinking, so he emptied his mind and let his heart speak, “You’re amazing and kind. All I can do is make you mad and reject you. I wanted to distance myself from you, wanted to have you forget your feelings for me. I tried, but failed a lot, you kept forcefully coming closer." He felt his hands start to tremble, but he had to get it out, now or never. "I shouldn’t have agreed to go on that date with you, it was wrong of me. I panicked when I woke up remembering what we did and I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m sorry I rejected you so harshly. I don’t know what to do to make it right. I fucked up so much and I hurt you. But you should be with someone else.”

“Who are you to decide that?”

“I just want you to find happiness.”

“What if my happiness is with you?”

Changyoon looked a bit dumbfounded, so Minkyun continued. “It’s my decision who I want to be with, who to fall in love with.”

“But I can’t give you that happiness.”

“Changyoon,” Minkyun's voice turned kind, Changyoon had missed that tone more than he thought. “You have no idea how much I enjoy the times we spend together, how much I love just being with you. You don’t need to ‘give’ me anything, I love you for who you are. I know you have your rough moments, I know you’re battling something you won’t tell us about. Like Hyojin said, I know that you stay out late a lot. I noticed you panicking that time at the carnival. I noticed you looking sad at the waiter girl during karaoke. That’s why I said I thought you liked me back, those little hints gave me hope. I pay attention to you because you won’t verbally communicate with me. But I also got that you needed time, which is why I hate that I basically forced myself on you. I wanted to make it right but what you said hurt, it frustrated me how you spoke, you wouldn’t even hear me out. It made me feel like you disliked me that much, that you didn’t even want to give me the chance. I know it was wrong of me to get mad. I'm sorry what I said, I should've talked to you sooner after our fight. I got scared, I couldn't handle a rejection again. And now I’m not even sure if my suspicion was ever correct. Do you like me?”

“I ju-”

“Yoon. This once. Answer my question properly. Do you like me?”

The nerves made him shake again. Minkyun's awaiting stare piercing through him. He shouldn't, Changyoon really felt like he shouldn’t say anything. He let out an almost silent whisper. “I do,” immediately biting his lip, but he couldn’t take those words back now.

Minkyun let out his breath he was holding and moved himself to the couch, burying his head in the other's neck and wrapping his arms around Changyoon. Until the shakes died down, Minkyun kept quiet the whole time and it was relaxing. The guilt was still there, Changyoon still felt uneasy, but somehow also incredibly relieved, lighter than he had felt in months. The younger removed himself, looking at Changyoon sweetly.

“Will you go out with me? And don’t think about what others will think. As if the whole world stopped and it was just us, think about what you want. Do you want to be with me?”

“Yes…” He answered before his mind could overthink.  
Minkyun smiled brightly, flashing his dimples, his eyes watered joyfully. It made Changyoon feel soft. A huge weight was lifted of Changyoon's shoulders, he felt lighter, he felt happier. But a part of him was terrified, scared that he just made a huge mistake, telling him he should have never confessed. It was the same part still telling him that he should let Minkyun stay mad at him so he could find someone else. 

“You seem anxious."

“I mean what I said. But I can’t shake my nervousness.” Being honest with someone, someone that wouldn’t judge him, that seemed to want to understand him, still felt foreign. He did so with Hyojin before, but a friend was different than someone you love.

Minkyun caressed the other's face. “A lot happened today so it may be hard to organize your thoughts. Let’s just go home and sleep, we’ll talk more tomorrow, when you have the alcohol out of your system.” He got up and waited for the other to do the same.

“I’ll go call Hyojin down," Minkyun said quickly.

They gathered in the hallway to say their goodbyes. 

Hyojin sounded a bit hesitant. "I'll stay with Jun." 

"Darl-... Jinnie, I'm alright. I know you want to be with Changyoon to make sure he is alright. Just go."

"No, if you sleep wrong and you start bleeding again… I'll stay with you."

Minkyun shrugged his shoulders. "Why not just come with us?"

"Or we do that," Seungjun agreed. He ran up the stairs and gathered some items for his sleepover.

Changyoon had zoned out most of the walk. They were all tired and just wanted to get home, it didn’t take long since Hyojin knew the shortest route.  
Their apartment felt warm again, the tense atmosphere that had settled in for a week had disappeared. Even if Changyoon felt a bit awkward, it had a different reason now. It felt like they could breathe again.

Hyojin turned towards them. “I’m sorry if I’m pushing you again. But before I sleep, I want to at least know if everything is alright, or at least better.”

Changyoon nodded and walked forward taking the other between his arms. “Thank you.”

Hyojin returned the hug, let out a deep sigh and went to his room, accompanied by his boyfriend, ready to pass out on his pillow.

“Come,” Minkyun said cheerfully, putting a hand on Changyoon's shoulder. “Let’s get you to bed, make sure you stay there for at least eight hours.”

Minkyun followed Changyoon into his room, sitting him on the bed. He cupped the older's face. “Can I kiss you?”

The older hummed a confirmation. Minkyun leaned down and connected their lips for a split second ever so gently. “Sleep well.” He ruffled Changyoon's hair and started to head out. 

Maybe it was the leftover alcohol that made him confident enough, but he sat up. “Wait... I… I don’t want to be alone at the moment.” Changyoon felt his ears turn hot at his request.

The younger smiled “I’ll be right back.”

Changyoon switched his clothes and crawled into bed. It didn’t take long for Minkyun to return in his pajamas. He settled next to the older and pulled him close, laying Changyoon's head against his chest. For the first time in a while Changyoon didn’t think about tomorrow, didn’t wonder if it would be a better day, didn’t dread having to wake up. He just listened to the other's heartbeat, enjoyed his warmth and fell asleep.


	3. Solidifying a distance

Changyoon woke up feeling like he was suffocating. He got rid of the heavy arm on his windpipe and the long leg across his stomach, pushing Minkyun onto his back. The younger groaned a bit but stayed asleep. Changyoon wasn’t surprised that the younger's sleeping position was as odd as his personality, it fitted well. The slightly puffy eyes and parted lips made Minkyun look cute, Changyoon had seen his sleeping face before, having had to wake the younger up when he slept through his alarm in the morning many times. But no matter how often Changyoon had seen it, he still loved it, it looked so peaceful, it made him sleepy again. He moved close and rested against the other, softly dozing off. 

A few hours later he got woken up again, this time by Hyojin tapping on the door.

“Are you awake?”

“Yeah.” Changyoon's voice was raspy and his head was pulsing. Minkyun blinked his eyes open, groaning softly when he felt how little sleep they had gotten.

“Okay, good. It's already the afternoon,” Hyojin informed. “If you sleep any longer you will really ruin your sleep schedule.”

Changyoon sat up. “Alright, thanks, we’ll be right out.” The sudden movement made him realize how nauseous he was, but he managed to keep his sick in this time, maybe because he didn’t have food yesterday.

Minkyun pulled him back on the bed. “It’s fine, let's stay a little longer,” he mumbled.

Changyoon shuffled close and Minkyun made a relieved noise. “So you’re still alright with this?” he sighed and ran a hand through Changyoon's hair.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well since you were drunk yesterday I can’t say I wasn’t a bit scared you would regret it again.”

“I was less drunk,” Changyoon chuckled, trying to keep it light. “I meant what I said yesterday, from what I can remember at least. I'm sorry I hurt you and I do want to be with you," he repeated, reaffirming that he knew and meant what happened yesterday. A part of him was still anxious, but it was no where near strong enough to want to break up with Minkyun.

They stayed in bed for a few moments longer, just to spend time together, making silly comments and exchanging sweet compliments. Changyoon knew Minkyun was purposefully avoiding talking about yesterday, avoided questions or topics related to Changyoon's state of the night before. Changyoon felt grateful for the consideration. The moment got a bit ruined by Minkyun's rumbling stomach. “Wanna eat?” he asked.

“Not really, but I will," Changyoon said honestly and placed his hand down to get off the bed. A sharp bolt rushing through his arm. “Ah, fuck that hurts.”

“What's wrong?” Minkyun looked over Changyoon's shoulder and saw his hand, still covered in dried blood, the knuckles and lower part of the fingers were bruised. “Ah yeah, that looks painful. Can you still move them at least?”

Changyoon wiggled his fingers, it hurt but they moved just fine. “I think it’s alright. But it’s gross that they are still dirty. I’m going to take a shower real quick.”

“Yeah true, we were both too tired yesterday. Anyway, I’ll figure out food then.”

They got up and ready to start the day. Before leaving the room Minkyun called out to the other. Changyoon looked back and was met with a soft peck on his lips.

“I love you.”

The intensity of Minkyuns beauty in the morning and the butterflies that it awakened made Changyoon unable to speak. He smiled back and went to shower.

He returned, warm and refreshed, Hyojin had whipped them up a simple breakfast and they all sat together. It was rare of them to do this, they mostly had other school schedules or were too busy with homework and daily life to meet like this.  
“I’m glad you made up, but I didn’t expect you to make up to that extent,” Hyojin joked, having seen the youngest exit Changyoon's room this morning. “I’m happy for you though,” he added.

Minkyun twirled with his food, “You’re alright with it? If me and Changyoon dated, I mean.” Hyojin locked eyes with Changyoon, having a little ‘we already know’ moment together. However, Hyojin didn’t want to leave Minkyun out of it. “I’m dating Seungjun myself," he said excitedly. "So it would be odd to be mad at you guys.” 

“Wait, what?!” Minkyun's eyes widened, making Hyojin and Seungjun chuckle. “I never even knew," he exclaimed before he narrowed his eyes. "It does make sense now that I think about it, no way Seungjun was straight.” 

"Excuse me?" Seungjun said, slightly offended.

Minkyun put on an annoying grin. "You just radiate some gay energy."

"I can't tell if you mean that as a compliment or not…" 

"Well I'm happy for you two too."

Hyojin's expression grew suspicious. "You somehow seem sarcastic."

"You're just distrusting…" Minkyun rolled his eyes, not being taken seriously. "I am happy for you, really. It's good you found each other, you fit well together." Seungjun and Hyojin smile at each other. The cute exchange made Minkyun want to tease them. "It's really a good fit, you're both equally good at nagging."

Hyojin shot a glare and confirmed exactly what Minkyun accused him of by starting to nag.

Changyoon had missed this dynamic, this lively atmosphere in the room. He silently listened to the others' bicker about silly things. After eating, they were all way too tired to do an activity, they needed to catch up on sleep. Changyoon had apologized profusely for his actions but Hyojin told him off, saying it was alright, assuring Changyoon they didn't think any differently of him. Minkyun went to wash up, leaving the others alone.  
Getting up, Hyojin flashed Changyoon an endearing smile “This feels good, honestly. It’s nice to see you smile again, Yoon.” After cleaning their plates the oldest took Seungjun to his room to study, and probably nap some more. Changyoon sat on the couch, killing time on his phone until Minkyun wandered back in and laid down, resting his head on Changyoon's lap. The afternoon turned into evening, and after a shared dinner it quickly started to become night. Changyoon had paid for their food, since he was steadfast on wanting to do something to make up for punching him. After ample arguing that he didn't care, Seungjun gave in and just told Changyoon to get them dinner from his favourite take away. After that Hyojin had forced his boyfriend to stay over one more day, although it didn’t take much convincing. 

Minkyun shuffled next to Changyoon again during the night, making the bed feel warm and safe. It quickly became a habit to spend the nights together. The older buried his face into Minkyun's chest, taking in the sweet smell, feeling drowsy.  
“I love you,” he mumbled. Minkyun's lips grew a smile. “You finally said it,” he whispered. “I love you too.” Changyoon flushed red, realizing he only now managed to properly say those words. He was a bit proud of himself. He hadn't said them to someone in so long, yet it felt natural saying them to Minkyun.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Their week picked up again after Sunday. Their days were mostly spent at school and on homework. At the end of the day they would get into bed and sleep after a soft kiss. Changyoon knew the other was just being careful, but he didn’t like Minkyun holding back that much. Changyoon felt that he had to make the first move. He spend the first half of the week gathering courage; running sentences and scenario’s through his head, most making him incredibly horny, others making him want to never try anything ever again. 

Thursday came around, Changyoon was feeling nervous, he had rushed home after school. On the way, he stopped by a drugstore, wanting to disappear from this realm as he placed lube and condoms on the checkout counter. As quick as his legs could unsuspiciously carry him, he rushed home and threw his newly aquired items in the back of his nightstand, not being able to believe that he just actually went out and bought that. Only after he sat on the couch did he figure that Minkyun would probably have some himself. Hyojin was over at Seungjun's place for the night and Minkyun was out for dinner with friends. Feeling too nervous to eat, Changyoon just took a shower and had the nerves eat at him while he sat on the couch. It was getting late, Minkyun still wasn’t home.

_Did something happen? Does the universe really not want to make anything easy…?_

He was about to give up when the door opened and Minkyun stumbled inside. He was visibly annoyed and had a weird stain on his shirt. “I’m sorry I’m home late, we let Yuto drink.”

“Is that bad?”

“Yeah, big mistake. The guy can’t hold his liquor apparently. So we had to struggle to get him home and make sure he was safe and sound into bed. It was funny but man can he bitch when he is drunk. He threw up a couple of times too, so I’m going to wash. I’m done with today, let’s go sleep.”

_Is this a bad time to try and create a sexy time, or a good opportunity to be nice and help switch his mood around?_

Changyoon laid on the bed, almost T-posing, too nervous to be comfortable. Luckily, he realized how ridiculous he looked and switched to his side before Minkyun came back. The bed shook softly under the weight of the younger getting in. 

“Haaaa, it's good to be in bed,” Minkyun sighed.

Changyoon rolled towards over, laying his head on the other'spillow. Minkyun got on his side too, pressing their foreheads together. His eyes shifted for a millisecond. Changyoon felt the same soft kiss as always on his mouth. However this time, before Minkyun could pull away, he leaned into it, closing his eyes and parting his lips. Even though they did this before, it felt like their first time making out. It was all very clumsy. The position was awkward, Changyoon hadn't wet his lips and he had caught Minkyun in the middle of a breath. Changyoon got pushed on his back softly so they could reset. Minkyun rested on his elbows and his sweet taste entered Changyoon as their tongues brushed together. A hand was placed on Changyoon's cheek, running a finger along the shell of his ear. With this new position, he felt Minkyun's erection press against his thigh. A bit nervously, Changyoon placed his palm on Minkyun's hip, getting a soft whimpered out of him as Changyoon trailed a hand along the edge of Minkyun's pants. Not getting a negative reaction, Chanyoon teased his fingers past the edge.

"Are you sure?" Minkyun asked a bit out of breath. The other just nodded, too unsure for Minkyun's liking.

"Please, if you don't want to you don't have to."

Changyoon became more determined so he wouldn't be questioned anymore. "No, I want to." With Minkyun looming over him, freshly out of the shower, with hungry eyes and red lips Changyoon got incredibly turned on. Minkyun settled himself in between the other's legs and reconnected their lips, a lot more passionately this time. Changyoon's hands found a place underneath Minkyun's shirt, pushing it up so the other sat back to take it off, giving Changyoon the space to get out of his own shirt as well. Changyoon could nearly hear his own heartbeat. He had seen Minkyun's bare chest before, but seeing it like this, above him, feeling the soft skin against his own as Minkyun laid back down, it all made him so nervous. He felt slightly at ease that the other seemed anxious too, biting his lip.

Changyoon noticed it, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just a bit nervous."

"We have been like this before." 

Minkyun giggled softly. "Well yeah, but I don't have the same level of confidence sober."

"Just know I'm fine with whatever you do to me." To strengthen that statement, he reached over and got out his lube.

"You actually bought that? I didn't think you had it in you."

"Please don't remind me…"

"Cute," Minkyun whispered, grabbing the bottle and placing it on the bed. He leaned back in to kiss, moving down, placing kisses on the others neck, shoulders, chest down to his stomach.  
With slightly trembling fingers, Minkyun undid the buttons on the other's jeans. Changyoon was relieved that his erection finally got unrestricted having his pants taken off, even if it was a bit embarrassing. He had planned all this, had gathered all the courage, but now he was incredibly jumpy. His heart was beating loudly and he had no idea where to place his limbs. Minkyun resumed his kisses, taking them down towards the other's thigh. In a bold move, he licked his hand before massaging the head of Changyoon's cock, making the older moan softly. The confident actions of the other made Changyoon feel even more inexperienced. Especially with how hesitant Minkyun was before, but now it was like something had taken over Minkyun as his gaze turned intense and his body moved in an alluring way. The other's moans got louder with Minkyun now stroking Changyoon's full length. Changyoon's body moved on its own and he bucked his hips up without thinking about it. He noticed the flame in Minkyun's eyes grow, seeing how Changyoon squirmed. 

Changyoon only got a break from the stimulation when Minkyun moved to the side. An excited shiver ran down his spine seeing Minkyun grab the lube. Minkyun stared at the other. "Is this really alright?" "Yes," Changyoon answered shortly. His legs were lifted and his hole twitched coming into contact with the cold liquid on the other's finger. Changyoon had explored this feeling before, but it definitely felt strange having someone else do it. He moaned as Minkyun rubbed over his rim before pushing a digit past the gathering of muscle. The stimulus increased when Minkyun rubbed inside softly. Feeling the tingling, a little greed boiled up in Changyoon, this made him feel good, secure. Minkyun tried to be gentle, but it felt frustratingly teasing to Changyoon. It felt amazing, he just realized how much he had been wanting this. He was surprised by his own need. "Mo-... More." 

That one word was enough to set Minkyun off. He inserted another finger and pushed deep inside, simultaneously jerking Changyoon off with his other hand. Changyoon mouth fell open and he pulled his head back, clutching the bed. He closed his eyes, unable to meet Minkyun's intense gaze anymore. In an attempt to muffle the sounds that he found so embarrassing, he placed his hand on his mouth, taking the skin between his teeth. Minkyun pushed his fingers against Changyoon's prostate and it became impossible to try and be quiet, so he gave up. Filling the room with loud, dirty sound. A third finger was added and it got too much. Minkyun kept hitting the perfect spot and Changyoon melted under the sensation. His eyes rolled back, his hips violently bucked up and he grabbed the other's shoulder as he came over Minkyun's hand. The younger pushing into Changyoon a few more times until he came down from the high. The loud sounds turned into heavy breaths. He looked at his boyfriend and saw a hunger in his eyes that the younger tried to suppress. Minkyun leaned down to kiss.

"You look beautiful," he whispered and quickly went out of the room to wash his hands and grab a towel. In the meantime Changyoon stayed on the bed in the same pose, catching his breath and resting his body from the intensity it just went through. His insides were still sensitive as he moved to receive the towel Minkyun was extending to him. 

“What about you?” He asked while wiping himself clean. Minkyuns boner was pretty obvious in the well fitted pajama pants.

“It’s fine, I’ll just go to the bathroom.”

“No, idiot come here.” Changyoon pulled Minkyun by his wrist and laid him on his back across the bed.

“You really don’t have to push yourself.”

“Kyun,” Changyoon cut him off softly. “I’m not pushing myself in any way, stop thinking I’m that fragile.” He got Minkyun out of his pants and took his turn to get in between a pair of legs. 

Minkyun's dick was already sticking with precum, it made Changyoon feel a little sorry, seeing the others cock twitch that much, frustrated from not being touched before. Feeling courageous, wanting to show Minkyun he indeed wasn't pushing himself, he went for a bold action. He bent down and kissed the base of Minkyun's dick. Minkyun groaned, finally getting the attention. Changyoon worked his mouth up the length running his tongue along the head. He nearly gagged himself taking Minkyun in too deep too fast. He had no idea what he was doing, but Minkyun's soft groans told him he was doing something right. He moved his head together in time with his hand he had wrapped around the inches that he couldn't take in. With Changyoon's mouth added to the exciting image he saw before, it didn’t take long before Minkyun came. Changyoon felt the salty fluid on his tongue, it didn’t taste as bad as he expected. He swallowed it down and continued moving his head, letting the other ride out his orgasm. 

Minkyun was staring at the ceiling. “You're really amazing.”

The blunt compliment made Changyoon smile as he handed over the towel and went to the bathroom to wash up properly now.

"Are you alright?" Minkyun asked when Changyoon curled up next to him. The older hummed a confirmation as he burried his face in Minkyun's chest.

Minkyun pulled up the sheets and idly talked about his day, lulling them to sleep. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Luckily the morning wasn’t as awkward as Changyoon had expected. He got woken up by his alarm. Opening his eyes, noticing the time, he shook Minkyun until he woke up as well and they got ready for school, exchanging a sweet kiss in the hallway and pretending they were normal friends when they stepped out. With Changyoon's previous experiences, he had made Minkyun promise to not tell anyone else about their relationship. They didn’t interact much at college, only grabbing lunch together when time allowed it. Generally, he felt better again. Traveling was still the same, he still heard the same statements egging him on, they had gotten a lot more quiet again but never disappeared. After school he went home now, he had promised Minkyun to not stay out anymore. And after having punched someone, he decided to fully quit alcohol too, even on the dark days. It was difficult, the temptation to just relax his mind for a day was always there, but he had made a promise to Minkyun, as he couldn't keep a promise to himself, and he didn't want to let the other down. It had went well, but today, it was hard to keep up. A simple Tuesday where almost nothing happened, maybe that was the problem. He had been in his own head all day worrying over every small thing. Asking himself if what they were doing was right. Coming home, Minkyun noticed he wasn’t doing well but he didn’t ask questions. The dinner was kind of quiet. Hyojin did ask if Changyoon was alright, but he just responded with a shrug.

Music was playing loudly in Changyoon's ears while he was bent over his desk. A warm hand on his back disturbed his concentration. He turned off his song and looked up. “Do you want to go for a walk?” Minkyun asked with a smile.

The older moved away from his study books. “Not really.”

“Okay then… Come with me.”

“I said I don’t want to.”

“Come on, it’ll do you some good.” T Too tired to argue further Changyoon reluctantly got up and grabbed his coat. Breathing in the cool evening air was refreshing.  
“It’s really getting cold,” Minkyun remarked and he pulled up his collar. “You have a short day tomorrow too right?”

“Yeah, my last lecture ends just before lunch.” 

“Shall we go to the city? I need some new winter clothes. I could use your fashion expert input.”

“Sure. I need some new stuff too.”

They wandered around in silence, Changyoon subtly made them avoid the places he used to go to. A few minutes later Minkyun broke the silence again,  
“You know, I barely ask why you aren’t doing well, because I think you maybe don’t want to answer that. But maybe that's just my assumption.”

“It’s nice when you ask how I’m doing... But why I’m feeling like this, most of the time I just don’t know. I just feel like shit, my mind goes in circles, saying everything I do and did was bad.” 

“Mhm. So can I ask why you are feeling bad today?”

“Well today is exactly a ‘my brain just really doesn’t like me’ day.” 

“If there is anything I can do for you, let me know,” his tone turned a bit careful. “Have you ever thought of getting help?”

“Not really,” he didn't feel like bothering more people, even if it was their job.

“That’s alright. We can’t force you but it’s a good thing to consider.”

They left it at that, going back to silence. It was a simple suggestion, but Changyoon appreciate the simplicity. No pushing, no saying it as if Minkyun knew better, just a simple option he could chose for and would be supported for. Changyoon felt a warm hand intertwine with his, making him quickly glance around.

“Don’t worry, I checked, there’s no one around,” Minkyun squeezed the others hand softly. “I love you.”

Changyoon pulled his coat up a bit to protect himself from the cold, and slightly hide his face. “I love you too.” 

Coming back home they quickly entered the bed to warm eachother up, heating the room further by exploring eachother's bodies carefully again. Changyoon felt better, his mood got lifted somewhat. Just talking to his boyfriend was nice and he got a bit excited about a shopping date tomorrow. Feeling grateful, he closed his eyes.

\---------------------------------------------------

The city was lively, they had gone quickly after classes and grabbed a simple lunch on the way. Changyoon woke up, just feeling unreasonably shit, but he forced himself to go out, see how the day would continue. They entered a big shopping mall that was a few stories high. The date consisted mostly of Changyoon dragging the other around into different shops and making him try and buy different articles of clothing. He got more cheery throughout the day, it was fun dressing Minkyun. Since he had pretty broad shoulders and a sturdy build almost everything looked nice on him. Normally, Minkyun just wore oversized shirts with weird text on them so Changyoon had made it his mission to get him some better fitted clothes that looked a tad more professional. 

“Oh this looks really nice,” Changyoon had stated holding a belt. “If you pair it with the shirt and pants we got in the last shop you’ll look really hot.” 

“It’s nice that you’re having fun but you’re making me go way over budget,” Minkyun said with a grin, feeling happy that the other was having fun.

“Alright I’ll buy it then, since you paid for lunch.” 

“I can’t talk you out of that can I…”

“You’re correct. It just looks so cool, and I might steal it for myself sometimes.” Not letting Minkyun protest he paid and went out to the next shop. During the trip he found a few hoodies for himself too. I It was the end of the afternoon and most shops were closing as they reached the top floor. Having been to many different places they were carrying an ungodly amount of bags. 

Minkyun groaned after they were all done. “Shall we get some fresh air, this mall is getting stuffy?”

“Yeah sure, let's head to the roof terrace.” 

“I need to use the restroom but I’ll help you bring these up first.” Minkyun did as he said, accompanying him upwards before hurrying back inside. Changyoon had found a seat and surrounded himself with the various bags. The terrace was nearly empty. He thought someone was staring at him but he chose to ignore it. While unpacking most small bags to put all the items in two of the biggest they had, he noticed someone coming closer. 

“Changyoon? You’re Lee Changyoon right?”

Changyoon looked up to see who was calling for him and he froze. He was met with three students, two looked familiar, one didn’t, and he was a lot taller than them. They were faces Changyoon wished he never had to see again. They were the same faces from his old school. His old friend he had mistakenly trusted with his feelings, and a sidekick looking guy that had ridiculed him, cussed at him, beat him down. He felt like he was being choked by the sudden panic but he didn’t want to let on that he was scared.

“Who is this then?” the unfamiliar face asked.

“This is a little faggot that confessed to me back then.”

Changyoon clenched his fist, not wanting to look as scared as he was. But he hoped Minkyun would return soon to get him out of the situation.

“What?! Really? He did?”

Changyoon's old friend looked him dead in the eyes. “Yeah it was so gross.” 

The three stared down at him so he got up from his chair, making sure he could escape if he needed. 

One of the students dramatically put his arms up. “Wow, are you suddenly getting ready to fight.” 

Changyoon tried to sound normal. “No.”

“Maybe he got up to kiss you,” the taller one joked.

Changyoon rolled his eyes at the comment, putting up a confident front. “Haven’t you grown up by now?” His voice was shaking.

“God you sound just as annoying as before,” the sidekick spit.

“Anyway,” Changyoon's old friend started, ignoring the childish insult, “who was the tall kid you were with.”

“A friend.”

“Yeah right, I’m sure you’re on your knees for him every night. Like the gross faggot you are.” He stepped forward and shoved Changyoon, making him stumble backwards. The physical contact made him defensive. Changyoon wanted to move back in but was halted by Minkyun stepping in between them, he put on a cold tone. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Oooh~ It’s the boyfriend coming in to save the day.” Changyoon's old friend grew a cocky smile as his pack of hyena’s giggled at the joke.

Minkyun tried to stay calm, “I’m just gonna ask you to leave.”

“Or what?”

“I’m not fucking afraid to punch you.”

Changyoon grabbed the others shoulder “Kyun don’t,” He looked at his old friend. The friend he used to have so much fun with. That he accidentally caught feelings for. Back then he thought it would be okay, that he would be accepted.

Minkyun turned towards Changyoon, “Who are these guys anyway?”

Changyoons former friend answered that question before he could, “I’m the guy your boyfriend wanted to fuck before you.”

Minkyun turned around in a swift, leading motion. Changyoon tried to grab his wrist before he could swing his arm. “Kyun, ignore them, please.” Changyoon was used to the insults being directed at him. But he hated that he pulled his boyfriend into a situation where he got cussed at for being with him. 

His old friend found this amusing. "Oh do you want to fight? Pretty boy."

"No, I want your useless ass to fuck off." Minkyun growled. Changyoon pulled him back behind him. "Stop it." 

His old friend stepped closer. "Well aren't you brave."

"I'm just not as petty as you." 

The former friend looked pissed, he grabbed Changyoon's collar and yanked him to the right. Making him stumble and fall over, unable to hold Minkyun anymore, who had now stepped forward and connected his fist with his old friends face. Everything went extremely fast after that. His old friend had now completely focussed his attacks towards Minkyun. Changyoon tried to stand up but was halted by a sharp pain in his side as the sidekick stomp on him. The tall kid joined in and managed to pin Minkyun's arm behind him giving the former friend an opening to swing his first against Minkyun's temple. Changyoon saw Minkyun's eyes haze over for a second and got afraid the other would pass out. Minkyun threw himself back against the tall guy behind him, making him lose balance and release his arms. Changyoon finally managed to dodge the foot and stood up, clutching his ribs. The sidekick got ready to launch himself at Changyoon.

"HEY, YOU THERE!" 

An angry looking security guy came running at them from the other side of the terrace. Minkyun took the opportunity to aggressively shove Changyoons old friend and he fell over, making the pack of hyenas immediately go and help him up. After grabbing the two, now overly stuffed, bags, Minkyun bolted towards the other exit. Changyoon locked eyes with his old friend one last time before rushing after his boyfriend. They ran down the flights of stairs and out of the mall, getting a lot of weird looks from people. They slowed down to a hurried walk until the bus stop. Standing still, it set in what happened and he couldn’t dare to look at the other. Minkyun bumped softly against Changyoon, tearing his eyes from the pavement to look at the bright smile next to him. He pushed his tears down, not wanting to start bawling in the middle of the street. Minkyun's cheek had started to bruise and his lip was slightly cut. Changyoon tried to inhale deeply to calm himself but the pain in his side wouldn’t let him and it hitched. They settled in the bus and a head rested on his shoulder, Minkyun pretended to sleep but Changyoon knew it was his way to inconspicuously console him. It did calm him down while he listened to the younger's steady breath. Staring out the window, his mind spiraling down again. Telling himself this was his fault. That Minkyun wouldn’t be cussed at and hit if it wasn’t for him. 

_This should never have started._

Back home it was quiet, a text had told them Hyojin was out. Minkyun was forced on the bed and Changyoon took out a cooling bag. Feeling the cold against his face made the younger jump. “Ah, that hurts.”

“No complaining. Keep it on your face.”

Minkyun rolled his eyes but listened. “Are you alright though?” the younger asked. 

“Yeah, my side hurts a little but it’s nothing.” He paused. “I’m so sorry I got you into this.”

“You didn’t. It’s not like you planned this.”

“Yeah, but if you weren’t with me you wouldn’t have to face such judgement.” 

The younger placed a hand on the other's leg. “Yoon, you’re not the first guy I had a crush on. You didn’t turn me gay, silly.”

“Still it's bad. With shit like this I always think it's better if you weren’t with me."

"Changyoon, don't say that," his tone turned sad.

“I’m sorry. But what if something like this happens again? It'll be annoying being with me."

Minkyun cupped Changyoon's face, “Like I said. It’s my choice to stay with you, It’s up to me how to deal with any consequences.” 

“Weird way to put it.”

“Yeah, you know what I mean. Yoon I love you, I don’t care what others say about it. You told me that you wanted me to be happy, so let me stay with you.”

“I love you too, I’m just anxious.” The tears he had pushed down rose up again, he let them out as Minkyun pulled him close.

“It’ll be alright... Who were those people anyway?”

Changyoon dreaded the question. Recounting the story would make the memories clear again, but Minkyun deserved to know after this. Going into details would make him panic so he tried to keep it brief. “People from my old school.” The flashback made his voice crack. “The brown haired guy used to be one of my best friends. But I fucked up and blurted out my feelings to him. He got incredibly disgusted and yelled at me.” His sides stung as he took a deep breath. “The day after, he told his friends and it quickly got around the school. My days became hell so I picked a college far away. But I guess they also moved. At least those two did.” 

“Well I’m glad I punched him now. He is a douche,” Minkyun mumbled. “It’s fine Yoon, that’s not gonna happen again.” He ran his fingers through the other's hair and gave him a small peck. “We’re here together now. You were very strong today.” That was enough, the soft encouragement, saying he did well, fully opened the facet and Changyoon was bawling. All the emotions linked to the memory and the stress of today seemed to come out at once. Being in safe arms, he let it, he let them all go. His bruise hurt as he stuttered through the tears. The cooling pack was placed on the table and Minkyun caressed the shaking back, whispering consoling words into the other's hair until he quieted down. “It’s nice to finally be able to hold you during times like these.” Curling his legs up and snuggling closer, Changyoon chuckled softly “Yeah. It is.” 

Minkyun let the other rest and started idle chit chat. "So you don’t live close by? I've never actually asked about that, I just know you never go home.”

"Yeah, my parents kinda kicked me out after they found out I was gay."

"Oh shit, I'm sorry. Bad question to try and lift the mood with."

"It's fine."

"Do you want to come to my house then? Since I’m planning on going back over the holidays?"

"Let's not risk it. I don't want to ruin another household." Changyoon stated in a dramatic tone. "My own was more than enough."

"I'm sure they are fine with it, they'll love you. My mom is an open-minded person."

"We'll see," he mumbled hesitantly, he really didn’t want Minkyun to lose his home too.  
“What do you mean ‘we’ll see.” Minkyun teased as he rolled on top of the other. “Come over, let me show off my adorable boyfriend.”

Being called a ‘boyfriend’ made Changyoon's face flush, it was very noticeable. “Oh, are you shy now suddenly?” Minkyun cooed, placing kisses all over the others' face. A sudden contact made Minkyun jump back a bit, in the struggle Changyoon accidentally brushed the side of the other's face. “Ah, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright babe.”

The colour that had by now left Changyoon's face, made a reappearance.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why not?”

“It’s embarrassing.”

Minkyun smiled. “You’re cute,” he whispered as he leaned down

“I am not,” Changyoon argued between the kisses.

“You are.” He shut the other up by softly sucking on Changyoon's lip wrapping his fingers around the olders wrist and pinned it above his head. A lot happened today, Changyoon's mind was tired. So he let himself be swayed away, he tried to forget about everything and just indulge in his boyfriend. Minkyun placed a kiss on the Changyoon's ear, let go of the wrist and followed the path of the arm down. Running his fingers over the fabric of the others shirt, along the curve of his waist. Changyoon whimpered softly as a hand accidentally caressed his bruise. Minkyun pushed the other's shirt up and softly kissed his side while unbuttoning Changyoon's pants. Feeling the hand continue down his inner thigh Changyoon lifted it up, letting his pants be taken off. Changyoon pulled on the other's shirt. 

“It’s awkward being the only one naked.” 

Minkyun smiled and the gentle hand left Changyoon's body lonely. Minkyun moved away, got out of his clothes and leaned towards the side table to grab the lube again.

“You even bought these that time?” he teased with a smile.

Changyoon noticed the packet of condoms Minkyun was holding, “...Don’t remind me.” He let his eyes fall on the other's face and saw his cheeks had flushed a red colour.

“I-.. is it alright if we use these…” A bit unsure he locked eyes with Changyoon, “Today I mean.”

Nervous butterflies rose up inside the older as he nodded. Minkyun got one wrapper out and spread lube on his fingers. Placing a hand on Minkyun's chest Changyoon felt a heart race against his palms, the moment didn’t last long as he jerked his head back, feeling Minkyun's finger pushing inside him. The adrenaline rushing through him numbed the pain of his injury somewhat.

“I’m sorry if I’m going a bit fast," Minkyun whispered against Changyoon's ear. It was obvious he was struggling to stay gentle.

“It’s, alright.” 

The impatience took over, quickly adding a second finger spreading them out to stretch the other. Changyoon would be lying if he said he wasn’t eager himself. Now that the idea of Minkyun inside him was in his mind, he didn’t want to wait any longer. Minkyun's fingers weren’t enough anymore, even as a third was added, he wanted more. He shivered and looked at the other. Minkyun licked Changyoon's jaw. “You always get so needy,” he mumbled into his neck.

“Is that- hn.. that… a problem?” he said in between moans.

Minkyun smiled. “Quite the opposite,” he pushed his fingers in deeper, now knowing exactly where to put them to make his boyfriend melt. He sat back to look at the shivering figure beneath him. It looked beautiful with rosy lips and hazy eyes. He wanted to make it more messy, he took out his fingers and pushed Changyoon's legs up further. “Is it alright?” he asked.

Changyoon took the lube. “Yeah,” he confirmed as he spread it on Minkyun's length so he could roll the condom on. The nerves made him light headed as Minkyun grabbed his legs to hold him steady. As a way to mentally prepare himself he closed his eyes listening to Minkyun shuffle around. He felt Minkyun's cock enter him and tears welled up at the pain. Soft lips kissed his cheeks dry. “If you want to stop it’s fine.” 

The gentleness made Changyoon realize how lucky he was. Changyoon had given up hope of ever being able to be this intimate with someone. To have someone love and accept him enough to be with him. That he would allow someone to get this close to him. He pulled Minkyun close and buried his face in the other's neck.  
“No...keep going.” 

Minkyun moved softly, pushing in a little deeper with every roll of his hips. Minkyun took Changyoon's increasingly loud moaning as a statement that it was alright to continue making Changyoon's pain quickly turn into pleasure. He licked into Changyoon's open mouth and picked up the pace. The older returned the kiss and dug his nails into Minkyun's back making him groan at the sudden sensation. It made him lose his cool and he sat back, perfectly hitting Changyoon's prostate with every movement. But it wasn’t enough, Changyoon hissed as his legs got forced against his chest, he felt his muscles and bruise burn. Minkyun's moves got rough and sporadic but Changyoon loved seeing Minkyun so hungry over him. He pulled Minkyun back down, kissing him deeply while running his fingers through the soft brown hair, letting out a soft yelp feeling Minkyun grab his dick. The younger stroked him down together with the rhythm of his hips. Minkyun let his forehead rest next to Changyoon on the pillow, his breathing was short and heavy. The older bit down on the exposed neck in front of him, pulling out a high pitched moan. Minkyun's breaths got quicker and quicker until Changyoon felt the other push hard against his hips. The sensation of having Minkyun come inside him was too much. Changyoon's eye white showed as he reached his own high. Minkyun rode out his orgasm aggressively while still jerking his hand. Pushing into him again and again Changyoon grabbed the other's wrist to make him stop, not able to take any more.

Minkyun calmed down and hugged the other tightly. “I love you so much.”

Changyoon's muscles were weak, but he returned the hug. “I love you too.” The weight on top of him felt nice and reassuring until the adrenaline started to leave his body, “Can you move...out? It’s starting to hurt.” 

Minkyun placed a kiss on the other's forehead, got up and threw the condom away. 

Changyoon sat up, a bit uncomfortable. “Towel?”

“Let’s just go shower,” Minkyun suggested and offered his hand to use as support.

“Together?”

“Why not?”

Changyoon accepted the hand and he was guided to the shower. Minkyun was deadfast on being the one to put shampoo in Changyoon's hair. The older wanted to argue that it was too cheesy but frankly, his mind was still a bit woozy from just being fucked so he just agreed to whatever the younger wanted. Minkyun took his time washing the other while pointing out cute mole placements and telling him to eat more. Changyoon wasn’t too skinny, but these past weeks he noticed he had indeed lost some weight. He couldn’t recount any day in them where he had three proper meals. They got out. Changyoon was still blow drying his hair as Minkyun came up to him. 

“Are you free Monday evening?”

“Hm, yeah I think so.”

“Hyojin texted me wanting to go out for my birthday.”

_Fuck_

“Yeah alright. What are we doing?”

“I don’t know, he said I should pick a place and invite anyone I wanted. But I kinda like the idea of keeping it small. Just us four? I’ll meet the others another day.”

“Yeah sounds fun, a double date it is then.”

Minkyun chuckled, “Yeah I guess. Shall we do karaoke?”

“Again?” 

Minkyun flashed his smile. “If you don’t yell at me this time after.”

“Rude,” Changyoon pouted jokingly, but he liked the lightness Minkyun spoke with about the situation. Minkyun playfully tapped the other's nose and headed to bed. 

Changyoon sighed and let his head hang. The past weeks were a rollercoaster of events and his mind had been a mess.

_I fucking forgot his birthday…_

He had four days to come up with, and buy, a gift. It occupied his mind until he fell asleep.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Minkyun had bugged the other to make him a cool outfit from his new clothes. The regret set in after Changyoon went all out and made him try nearly every piece of clothing again to see what worked the best. Laughing at setting bad priorities, they rushed out without breakfast to make it in time for classes.

Changyoon barely focused on the subjects, his mind was only occupied with Minkyun's birthday. But he tried his best to not look as ‘zoned out’ as he felt. At the end of the day he still hadn’t thought of anything and worried about it well into the night, Friday and Saturday. This was the final day so he promised himself he would just go to a few shops to see if they gave him some inspiration. After telling Minkyun he would be studying at the library to focus, he set off to the city, silently praying he won’t bump into a certain group of students again. 

He wandered in and out of shops, not exactly sure what he was looking for. There was nothing of interest. They had just gone shopping here and Minkyun got most things he really needed. Feeling dejected at his failed shopping trip, he took a different route to avoid the busy streets. Walking through a few alleyways a cute shop caught his eye. It was full of accessories, Changyoon hadn’t thought of giving Minkyun any jewelry but it couldn't hurt to look. He walked around, he decided silver would fit the other the best and hovered over a few displays. 

“Can I help you with anything?” The sudden question made Changyoon jump and look to his side. A sweet looking bleach blond girl suddenly stood next to him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” she giggled and briefly touched Changyoon's shoulder. He found it hard to deal with the invasive type but didn’t want to be rude.

“Hmm, I’m just looking for a gift.”

“Oh, for who?”

“...My partner.”

The girls eyes lit up. “Oh cute! What does she like?”

_She..._

“I don’t know, she doesn’t wear much jewelry.” The mental image that came with calling Minkyun a ‘she’ made him want to laugh, but he managed to keep his poker face.

“Well… what does she like?” the girl asked again, putting extra emphasis on the word ‘does’ this time.

Changyoon had no clue how to answer that. “Uuuhh, cats?” he tried. The girl looked at him in disbelief but walked towards a different display, expecting Changyoon to walk with her, so that's exactly what he did. She grabbed a few kitten themed items, two bracelets and a necklace. A necklace would be too troublesome he thought but the idea of a bracelet was quite cute. Looking at them however, they all had incredibly thin silver chains, Minkyun would definitely break these.

“A bracelet would be nice but these are a bit thin I think.”

“If you want thicker bands we have to go to the male section. I don’t know if she’ll like that.”

“It’s alright she is too clumsy for these.”

“Everything we have is real silver and quite strong.”

“Still.” The conversation felt incredibly awkward making him want to leave.

“Alright we’ll take a look.” She walked back to the other side of the store and found one bracelet with the silhouette of a cat attached to two silver chains. She extended it to Changyoon. It looked sturdy enough for a male wrist but still quite subtle to make it comfortable to wear daily. It looked perfect and he felt relieved he found something.

“I think this one is alright.”

“Are you sure? It’s quite big for a girl.”

“It’s alright, really, I think he’ll like it.”

The girl looked shocked as she heard Changyoon's mixup. “Oh. Oh my god I’m so sorry. Yes, I’m sure he will,” she winked.

Changyoon didn’t expect the positive response but he did feel a lot less awkward about buying this now.

She took the bracelet behind the counter “It was a present right?” 

“Yeah.” Right as Changyoon confirmed it she took out ribbons and wrapping paper and got to work. “So, you’ve been with your boyfriend for long?” She started. Changyoon didn't even expect her to accept it, let alone be interested. “Not really, we got together only about two weeks ago.”

“Is this for a two week anniversary then?”

Changyoon felt hesitant but excited to be able to talk about his boyfriend. “No, it’s his birthday Monday.”

“Do you have anything fun planned?”

“We’re going to karaoke with a few friends.” 

“Sounds fun,” she stated, as Changyoon swiped his card. Another customer walked in, and the girl noticed Changyoon's eyes shift.

“Well tell her I wish her a happy birthday,” she handed over the package and waved at him. Feeling grateful the girl was understanding, he thanked her and walked out. It was the first stranger he, accidentally, came out to. This time he didn't panic like with Hyojin, even if the girl didn't give him time to, he still felt proud about it.

Once he got home wanted to sneak right into his room to hide the present and the card he picked up at a gift shop. But he didn’t need to do much sneaking because Minkyun wasn’t home. It was just Hyojin and Seungjun staring at the TV. Seungjun's nose had almost fully healed by now and Changyoon was extremely relieved it didn't leave any scars. The redhead looked up. “Good to see you’re not hurt. Minkyun said you got into a fight. Punching Junnie and getting into a fight two weeks later? I never expected you to be the violent type.”

“Very funny,” Changyoon bit. “Where is Minkyun?”

“He’s out to get take away.”

“Oh alright. I’ll be in my room for a bit, call me when he’s home.”

Hyojin lifted an eyebrow as he got pulled back to lay on Seungjun's chest. “Sure, have fun.”

Changyoon sat at his desk, got out the card and opened a drawer in search of a pen. What he found were the polaroids from the carnival. It felt a lot less painful looking at them now. A smile grew on his face as he remember how stupid he was, overthinking a silly photo. It did look cute, his cheeks being squished between Minkyun's hand and lips with an incredibly panicked expression. Looking up he saw his whiteboard, it was full of scribbles from a month ago about projects and homework he always forgot about. He stood up, wiped it down and hung up the polaroid with magnets, surrounded by two others he liked. A few minutes later he had also neatly written out all his new assignments and tasks on the board. Seeing it as a fresh start after the disaster that was this month. Satisfied with the result, he sat back down to write his card. 

[Happy Birthday Kyun,

I’m way too awkward to give you this in person but I hope you like it.  
Don’t be late for school.  
See you later for karaoke!

Love, Yoon]

_Looks empty…_

He thought about what else to write but everything he came up with sounded cliché and cheesy.

[Thank you for being here with me]

He added at the bottom of the card. 

He closed it and put it in the drawer together with the gift. Minkyun came home with the food right on cue and Changyoon went to the kitchen.

“Hey how did studies go,” Minkyun greeted him, wrapping an arm around Changyoon's waist and kissing the side of his head. Minkyuns cheek was slightly swollen but it seemed to be healing well.

“Fine.”

“That’s good.” Minkyun grabbed a plate, but quickly put it down again. “Oh, I need to charge my phone.”

The others gathered around the table while Minkyun dropped multiple things in his room.  
“Yoon, where is my charger?”

“I think you left it in my room.”

“What? I’m sure I kept it in here.”

“Dude, yesterday night you also needed it, just look next to my bed.”

“Fine,” Minkyun complained, walking across the living room. “Oh you’re right. How did it get here.”

“Maybe because you have been leaving all your stuff in my room.”

Minkyun came back in with a cheeky smile “Well I’m there more often than my own lately.”

Hyojin cleared his throat, “Speaking of rooms. Junnie and I have been talking about finding a place together.”

“Oh really?” Changyoon looked up

“Yeah. It won’t be until the end of the school year. And only if you two will make rent somehow.”

“Or we can just look for a new place too. We don’t need three rooms and I’m not feeling like having a stranger in the mix,” Minkyun chimed in.

"Are you sure about that?" Changyoon asked.

"Well we already live together, and it's not like Hyojin is home often so it won't change much. It'll be fun"

Having his own place with Minkyun felt like a dream. “I wouldn’t mind,” Changyoon mumbled.

Hyojin got a twinkle in his eye looking at Seungjun. “Well that’s good then. We can start looking.”

They emptied their plates and put on a movie to end the day with.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Changyoon's alarm was always set very quietly. Small noises would already wake him up and he didn’t feel like having a heart attack every morning if he set it to Minkyuns volume.

He sneaked out of bed and grabbed the items in his drawer after getting dressed. He reset the alarm an hour later for Minkyun, who only had afternoon classes, and went to the living room. Seungjun and Hyojin were already having breakfast. But he didn’t have an appetite, he woke up in a bad mood. His mind started to convince him that he had bought the wrong thing and Minkyun would hate it. 

“We’re off, see you later. We’re meeting up around six to grab dinner there too,” Hyojin yelled from the hallway. The door closed and Changyoon carefully placed the present and card on the kitchen counter where he knew the other would find it. He kind of wanted to throw it all away in case Minkyun would get mad at how bad he felt the present was, but giving nothing might be worse. So he left it and went out. He kept regretting leaving the present, he should have gotten something simple. Why did he get a bracelet? Minkyun doesn’t wear accessories. God he felt stupid. The day ended and he waited at the entrance again. 

“Yooooooooooooooooooooon!!!” Minkyun came running at him, nearly tackling him with a hug. It felt familiar yet different. The younger proudly showed off his wrist, decorated with the bracelet. “Thank you so much, I love it, it's so cute.” He gave the older another hug, “The card was sweet as well, no need to thank me, I’m happy I’m with you,” he said softly before letting go. 

“Oh lovebirds, watch where you are.” Hyojin walked up to them accompanied by Seungjun. “Shall we go then?”

“Yesss!” Minkyun nearly jumped in excitement. “I’m starving, let’s order food quickly.” Minkyun hung his arm over Changyoon's shoulder and they set off. Looking at the couple in front of them and feeling his own boyfriend next to him. He felt grateful, grateful for the people around him. It made him feel hopeful. He knew the waves weren't over, he knew dark days would come again. The battles still continued, the voices still tried to convince him at times. But now? Now he wasn’t fighting alone anymore. He has people that care for him, people he can rely on, people he can fall back on when he couldn’t hold himself up anymore. He was still fighting, but his army had expanded.

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna hmu
> 
> @Faefauna


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